


10 Years

by appleapple



Series: Time Gone By [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, First Time, Kid Fic, M/M, Post-Canon, Violence, after the war, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-12 10:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4476662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleapple/pseuds/appleapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years after first joining the Survey Corp Eren returns to Shinganshina.  The world has changed.  Humanity has defeated the Titans and begun colonizing the outside world.  Eren and his friends have gone their separate ways, but at a reunion dinner they find their fates entwined once again...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Reminiscences * Reunions * Reflections on Shinganshina * An Unexpected Rescue * Strange Meetings * Cocoa_

Whenever he comes back within these walls he feels a weird sense of vertigo.  There are human settlements out in the world now, but the stronghold of humanity still lies within these three concentric circles.  It’s like going back in time.  Sometimes he can almost catch glimpses of his younger self, in the places he used to frequent when he was a child.  The places have memories.

The city is beautiful tonight.  Lit up by lanterns on a warm summer evening, couples stroll hand in hand between flower vendors and food stalls.  The shops have stayed open late in appreciation of the warm night air, and their doors are open to the busy street.  There are outdoor bars and cafes, their tables decorated with candlelight and small vases of flowers.

Such a scene would have been unimaginable a decade ago.  And yet, this is Shiganshina.

“Eren!” a familiar voice cried out, and he smiled and turned.  

Armin embraced him.  

“The others are inside.  How are you?” Armin drew back to look him over, and the two friends studied each other for a long minute searching for any signs of change.  

Eren wondered if Armin could see any difference in him.  He thought Armin looked much the same as he had two years ago, although his hair was shorter, and there was an air of undeniable prosperity about him.  His suit fit well.  It must have cost a small fortune.  Though he supposed Armin could afford it now.

Since the end of the war Armin’s been vague about what it is that he does, but Eren has long suspected it’s something important in Historia’s government.  It would have to be, for him to give up their shared childhood dream of exploring the outside world.   

Although it’s been years since the end of the war there’s still a twinge of bitterness at that thought, which he does his best to suppress.

Eren forced a smile, and Armin took him by the arm, steering him inside the restaurant--it’s one of the nicest in Shiganshina from what he understands, and the people inside are certainly elegantly dressed.  He blinked several times to adjust to the dimness.  It’s even darker in here than it was on the street, lit only by candles and soft lamplight.

There was a little commotion as they all met at the table; Eren was exclaimed over, Mikasa’s new baby was passed around to be kissed, Connie’s wife was introduced, looking pink and nervous.  When they all sat down everyone talked at once, and Eren felt the pleasant familiarity of being with old comrades again.  

Mikasa was smiling at him and gripping his hand tightly, almost too happy to speak.  She had her own life now, a husband and a child, but the bond between them was still there.

“I wish you’d stay at my house.  I have a bed made up for you.”

Eren laughed.  “But then how could I come and go at all hours of the night and day?  I’d wake up the baby. You’d be scolding me and trying to give me a curfew.”

She smiled.  “That’s true.  Won’t you stay this time?” she asked wistfully.

He smiled back and shook his head.  Jean asked her something, and she turned her head to look at him.  It gave Eren an opportunity to look around the restaurant.  His eyes had finally adjusted to the low light, and he examined his surroundings with curiosity.  They were sitting at a large table, in almost the center of the room.  Most of the other tables were smaller, for one or two couples, and the restaurant was nearly full.

The room was a square, and their area was a lowered circle within it.  A large mosaic compass decorated the floor. Four small staircases marked the directions on the compass--four steps on each staircase lead up to the rest of the room.  A little decorative railing enclosed the circle, separating the two parts of the room.

Eren was idly taking it in, relaxed and enjoying himself.  The waitress came over to their table, followed by two waiters carrying bottles of wine.  As they went around pouring he could hear Sasha sitting at the end of the table, interrogating the waitress about the menu.  He laughed quietly, exchanging an amused look with Mikasa.  Something caught his eye over by the N point of the compass, up on the raised level, and he glanced over.

At that point his mind split in two; part of him idly wondered who the stranger there could be, and why he looked so familiar.  The other part thought: Levi.

He went very still, so still that Mikasa noticed; at once she followed his gaze.  Before she could say anything he whispered to her, “Don’t speak.”

She looked surprised.  Levi’s back was to them, and he hadn’t seen him since the end of the war.  It didn’t matter.  He’d have known him anywhere.  He couldn’t tear his eyes away.  

 _Funny how it all comes right back,_ he thought, not really finding it very funny at all.

Could Levi have seen them?  He didn’t want the others to know.  Some of them had been drinking already--someone would be sure to invite their old Captain over, and if that happened then Eren was certain Levi would just leave.

He very, very badly didn’t want Levi to leave.

“Connie told me you live by the ocean.”

He looked across the table, startled.  It was Connie’s wife that had spoken--he fumbled for her name--Diana.

“That’s right,” he said, taking a cautious sip of wine and doing his best to appear relaxed.

“What’s it like?” she asked eagerly.  “Connie says he’ll take me sometime.  The settlement at Riga keeps growing, and he says--”

“Oh, I don’t live near Riga,” he said.  “Where I live, I’m alone.  No one else for hundreds of miles, maybe.”

“Oh,” she said, surprised.  “You don’t get lonely?  Not having neighbors?”

He shrugged.  “Sometimes.  But it’s very beautiful.  I love the cliffs, and I have the beach to myself…”

She nodded, but it was clear to him she didn’t understand.  Well, how could she?  Connie had probably only told her good things about him, and no normal person would understand why he’d seek solitude.  

Connie turned toward him and smiled.  He had started to put on weight, and his hairline was receding, but his face was still boyish and there were laughlines around his eyes.

“How does it feel to be back?”

“Good,” Eren said.  “It’s good to see you all.  I can’t get used to seeing Shinganshina like this though.”

“It’s the portal to the outside world now,” Connie agreed.  “Half the houses will be inns before--”

“For humanity!” a strange voice screamed, and the table was knocked over, pinning Eren and Jean beneath it; Mikasa, with almost superhuman speed had jumped clear clutching her baby to her breast.

Everything happened too fast for him to comprehend; as soon as he had shoved the table off, knocking more dishes and cutlery left and right the stranger was standing over him, then he had a foot on his chest pinning Eren in place.

It was a man he’d never seen before.  He had a sword, pointed at Eren, and a pistol, pointed at Mikasa.

“Don’t move,” the man recommended, in an almost conversational voice.  Then he raised it, to address Eren’s companions, most of whom had been fumbling for weapons they no longer carried.  “Nobody move!” he yelled, loud enough for everyone to hear.

“This is the traitor Eren Jaeger!  Traitor to humanity!  Titan SCUM!”

The gun was knocked out of his hand and went flying; the man gasped and darted back.

Levi had leaped over the railing, clearing all the space from his table to the attacker in a single perfectly judged jump.  He held a sword in his hand.  It was a short, deadly confrontation; no one who knew the second participant doubted the outcome.  To Levi’s credit he tried to spare the man’s life, attempting to disarm him rather than kill him.  But the man was too good a swordsman to be defeated easily, and he was clever enough to try to get near the others.

Looking for a hostage, Eren thought with a grimace.  Levi clearly thought so as well; his mouth tightened to a thin line as he did his best to push the man back.

The first reaction from the restaurant's other diners had been to flee the confrontation, but now they were standing around, gawking from a safe distance as if they were at a play.  Armin darted over to Eren as soon as a space had cleared and dragged him to his feet.    
  
“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” Eren said, and missed what happened, but saw the unknown man slide down to the ground.  Blood was staining the gorgeous mosaic floor.  Levi looked down at him, disgusted, and turned toward the rest of them.

“We’d better get you all out before the newspapers turn up,” he said.  “Armin.”

“Right,” Armin said.  He dropped Eren’s arm and sprinted across to speak in an undertone to the stupefied manager.  Eren saw him give the man his card, then he was being hustled out along with the others.

 

****************

When they were waiting at the back entrance for the carriages Levi said, after looking thoughtful for some time, “I suppose you had better come home with me.  I have something to talk to you about.”

Eren looked at him, startled and unnerved.  “A-all right,” he said.  

Armin reappeared, dusting off his jacket.

“The police are coming.  I gave the manager my card.  I’ll take care of it.”

Levi nodded.  Eren looked from one to the other, unable to believe this was the first time they’d spoken in years.  They were behaving almost like...colleagues.

“Do you know who that was?”

“No.  But I assume--”

“Not here.  Tomorrow.  I’m taking Eren in the last carriage.”

Armin nodded.  Sasha, Connie, and the others had gone off already.  Mikasa had been clutching her baby, but she had gripped his arm.  “Eren, I’ll see you soon.  We’ll talk soon,” she had said as Jean had ushered her into the carriage.

He was still struggling to come to grips with the evening’s strange turn of events.  One moment he had been strolling through the town like any other anonymous gentleman, then it was as if the old life had reached out to grab him by the throat.  Levi reappearing, an unknown assassin pursuing him, his friends hiding secrets of their own.

Armin climbed into a private carriage.  

“Armin,” Eren said.

His friend smiled tightly.  “I have to go, Eren, I’m sorry.  I hope I’ll be able to come see you soon.”

And then only he and Levi were left.  Eren found he was too confused, too overwhelmed to speak.  Levi seemed as relaxed as if this were a normal evening for him, but he too was silent.

The ride back to Levi’s home was eerily quiet.  Levi stared out of the carriage window, looking inscrutable, and Eren shifted uncomfortably in his seat feeling all of fifteen years old again.  He had no idea how to make small talk with a man he hadn’t seen in seven years.

He was curious to see Levi’s home, and he was surprised to find out that Levi was apparently living in Shinganshina.  He wondered if that could...mean something.  But he wasn’t naive enough to read too much into it.  Shinganshina had become fashionable in the last few years, after all, owing to its proximity to settlements outside the wall.

Levi has apparently been renting a townhouse in one of the wealthier parts of town.  Eren can’t imagine him owning such a magnificent residence, and he’s surprised that Levi can even afford the rent on it.  It’s not very large, but there are three stories, and it’s built of brick, with iron bars over all the windows.

They got out of the carriage and walked up the front steps.  Levi unlocked the front door, and locked it again carefully once they were inside.  A small lamp had been left burning on the foyer table in the middle of the room and Levi turned it up.

“Sonia!” he called.

Eren assumed that Levi was calling the maid to come to collect their coats.  A little girl, perhaps three years old, ran into the room and straight into Levi’s arms.  Levi picked her up by one leg, so that she was hanging upside down, and held her above his head so that their eyes were level.

She laughed delightedly and threw her arms around him, kissing his forehead.  

“What are you doing out of bed?”

“You called me!  I was sleeping.  You woke me up!”

“Wretched liar.  I told you to go to bed.”  Eren can’t help but notice that Levi doesn’t sound particularly upset.

Sonia grinned at him.

Eren was too stunned by this turn of events to move.

 _So,_ he thought dully, _he has a child._  Did that mean Levi had a wife as well?  He hasn’t heard anything, but of course…

He can’t help but notice how beautiful the child is.  She had Levi’s dark hair, though hers was longer.  She had his beautiful angular face, and his grey eyes, though hers were wide and mischievous.

Levi put her down and she turned curiously to look at Eren.

“Sonia,” Levi said, “this is your father.  Eren, this is your daughter, Sonia.”

He stared at them both, in disbelief and incomprehension.

“Hullo daddy,” Sonia said, stepping forward to shake hands.  She took his limp hand in her own tiny one, shaking it firmly.

“I suppose you must remember Sonia’s mother, though you only met her once from what I understand.  Lydia.”

“Mummy was a prosti,” Sonia piped up helpfully.

She returned to Levi’s side, and he picked her up.

“Not a very good one.  She’s a dancer now.  We go and see her at the Admiral sometimes,” Sonia continued.

The Admiral was a notorious gentleman’s club, that had been frequented by the garrison soldiers in Eren’s youth.

He felt back around for the doorjamb, and leaned against it carefully.

Sonia was watching him intently.  “He’s gone all green Levi!”

“He’s just had a nasty shock, darling.  He’ll be all right in a minute.”

“Oh,” Sonia said, sounding disappointed.  “I thought he might be about to turn into a Titan.”

“You--” Eren finally choked, “You told her that?  You told her her mother was a prostitute and her father was a Titan?”

Levi gave him a look of deep reproach.  “It isn’t good for children to grow up with a lot of illusions about their parents,” he said.  “Particularly when they aren’t around.  Suppose in ten years she decided to run away and go and look for one of you?”  Levi shuddered.  “Telling her the truth now saves me no end of trouble later.”

  
  


***************

 

Sonia wanted cocoa, so the three of them went into the kitchen.  At least, Levi and Sonia did.  Eren followed when he felt as if he could move without passing out.  

Apparently enough time had passed for Levi to heat up the milk, because he was pouring chocolate out for Sonia in a fine bone-white porcelain cup when Eren stumbled into the room, clinging to furniture for support.

“Cocoa, Eren?”

He gave Levi a look of profound disbelief.  “You can’t possibly be drinking cocoa!”

Again, the look of arch reproach.  “Why not?”

Levi poured himself a cup and set the kettle down.  Eren glared at it as if it had wronged him.  

“Fine.  I’ll have some.”

“Can I have a biscuit, Levi?”

“Yes, fine, why don’t you bring out the charlotte and the ham sandwiches while you’re at it?” Levi asked.

“We don’t have any,” Sonia said, giving him a look of admonishment, “or I would.”

 _This is my daughter_ , Eren thought in disbelief, one numb hand resting on his cup.   _I am sitting in Levi’s kitchen, drinking cocoa with my daughter, who is being raised by Levi._

He longed, suddenly, for his house by the ocean, where life was simple and unknown progeny did not spring out from behind bushes at him and offer him biscuits.

“How did you--”  
  
“End up with Sonia?”

Eren breathed out.  “Yes.”

“Lydia came to me when she was pregnant.  You were long gone, of course, but she’d seen a picture of the two of us in a newspaper and she’d figured out who you were.  When she couldn’t find you she came looking for me.  Seeing her was a shock, I can tell you,” Levi said pointedly.

Eren had the grace to blush and stare down at his untouched cup of chocolate.  Lydia had looked so much like Levi that they could have been siblings.  She had been very petite, flat-chested, dark haired, with those same beautiful gray eyes.  Eren didn’t make a habit of sleeping with prostitutes--he’d only done it a handful of times before that night, and hadn’t cared for it all that much.  

But once he’d seen her, he’d found Lydia irresistible, at least for a night.

He was thankful that this part of the conversation, at least, seemed to go over Sonia’s head.  She was sitting in Levi’s lap, having finished her cocoa and half of his, her head resting back against his chest.   She was asleep, or nearly.

“She’s beautiful,” Eren said quietly.

“Well, her parents didn’t lack for beauty.  She seems to have gotten her brains from somewhere else, thank god.”

Eren realized, belatedly, that this was a backhanded compliment.

“Why did you--who else knows?”

“That she’s yours?”

Eren nodded.

“Technically no one.  Apart from me, and Lydia, and her,” nodding to the sleeping child in his lap.  “And you, now.  Although I think Mikasa suspects something, probably Armin too.”

“Y-you’ve spoken to Mikasa?!”

“Of course,” Levi said, looking at him oddly.  “She’s my cousin.  We’re on a museum committee together in the capital.”

Eren could only stare at him in wide-mouthed shock, and Levi looked annoyed.

“Life didn’t stop for the rest of us just because you ran away, Eren.”

Eren snapped his mouth shut and looked away.  That stung.  “She never mentioned to me that she was seeing you,” he said stiffly, unable to hide his anger.

“Well, that’s hardly surprising is it?  Considering how well you’re taking it.”

Eren winced.  Levi’s tongue had lost none of its sharpness in the years since he’s last seen him.

“Was that why you were there tonight?” he asked abruptly.  “The two of you--”

“Don’t be paranoid.  I came to Shinganshina because I heard you were going to be here, but I had no idea you’d be at the restaurant tonight.  Running into you was pure coincidence.  Though,” he added in a lower voice, “I’m glad I did.”

Right.  Levi had saved his life tonight.  And apparently he’d also taken it upon himself to raise the child Eren had no idea he’d fathered.  Eren looked away uncomfortably.  For years, he’d resented Levi’s departure from his life, blaming the older man for disappearing--for being cold and uncaring.  Now--could it be any more obvious that nothing could be further from the truth?

“Why did you take her?” he asked softly.  “You could have given her to Mikasa to raise, even if Lydia did come to you.”

If Eren hoped to make Levi uncomfortable with that question then it was a terrible shot.    
  
“I was going to,” Levi said calmly.  “Then I held her for the first time.  I wasn’t about to give her up, after that.”

He got to his feet, cradling the sleeping child in his arms.

“I brought her here to meet you, because it’s right that you should get a chance to know each other.  But don’t think for a single fucking second that you’re going to take her from me.  She’s mine.”  Levi spoke the words as calmly and unemotionally as if he was giving a speech on 3DM mechanics, or horsemanship.  But with Levi it’s always been about the content, not the delivery.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Eren said quietly.  “I’m very sorry I didn’t know about her sooner, though.”

“Well,” Levi said, looking uncomfortable at last.  “Perhaps I should have tried harder.  But it isn’t exactly easy to get in touch with you when you’re out in the middle of fucking nowhere.”

“But why didn’t you tell Mikasa?  Or Armin?  They would have gotten word to me...”

Levi looked annoyed again.  “Did you miss the fact that you’ve been back in the city for _eight fucking hours_ and someone’s already tried to assassinate you?  Do you honestly think it would be safe for her if people knew she was yours?  The fewer people that know the better.  I paid a lot of money for Lydia’s silence, believe me, and she knows I’ll kill her if she ever talks.  You’re not a hero to the people anymore, Eren.  You’ve been gone too long.  What they remember is that you’re a Titan.”

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

_Reflections upon Architecture * The Ocean * A Visitor * A Campaign * The Unreliability of Memories * A Reminder_

The bedrooms were located at the back of the house and overlooked a private courtyard accessible only to residents of the townhouses. Eren’s room had a tiny balcony--the windows on this side of the house were not barred.

He had risen early the next morning and gone out to sit on the balcony. He couldn’t help but reflect ruefully on how the architects of these houses had--intentionally or not--mimicked the configuration of the Walls. The courtyard was protected from outsiders by the high houses, accessible only to an elite few. A handful of children played within, watched over by their nannies.

He turned away, vaguely disquieted. A sudden longing sprang up in him for his house by the ocean. He could remember seeing it for the first time, years ago.

After the War had ended and Eren had been released from military service he had expected his friends to go with him to explore the outside world. It was what they had always talked about as children. Instead, he had struck out alone, with only his horse for company.

It had taken him years to come to terms with it. Even now he was still bitter that they had chosen to stay.

Whatever the dangers, whatever reasons they had for remaining in human society became meaningless and inconsequential when faced with the outside world. Its beauty, its vastness, its harshness.

He had heard the ocean before he had seen it, the faint crash and roar growing louder with each step. He had walked up to it from the height of the cliffs, pausing at the very edge to watch the waves rushing up to meet the shore hundreds of feet below. It had filled him with something inexpressible. The vast remoteness of it. The uncaring beauty. All the time he and his friends had been living and fighting and dying inside those tiny walls, the ocean had been here. Permanent, changing and unchanging both, indifferent to their struggles.

After a long time it had come to him that that strange feeling was peace. 

He had found a house quite near to the edge of the cliffs, ramshackle after a hundred years’ neglect but with wide glass-paned windows that faced the water miraculously intact. He had spent years fixing it up, content and alone. He had returned only briefly through the years to see his friends and had never been tempted to stay.

Of course, he had never seen Levi before this trip. Neither had he known about the child. _His child._

There was a quiet but insistent _rap-rap-rap_ on his door, and he went to open it. Sonia grinned up at him. 

“Good morning! Let’s have breakfast.” Not waiting for an answer, she took him by the hand and led him down the stairs.

“Will you take me dress shopping today?”

“Uh…” Eren said, dumbfounded by this non-sequitor.

“Please, daddy,” she said, looking at him with doe-eyed intensity. “Then afterwards we can go to the park!”

“Uh, well, I’m sure that would be all right…” he found himself saying.

“Good!” she said, dragging him on to the dining room. 

Levi was there already, looking cool and unruffled in his suit and reading the newspaper.

“Daddy’s going to take me dress-shopping,” she announced as soon as she sat down, looking at Levi mulishly.

It was only then that Eren had an inkling of his true role, which was that of a pawn in a larger and more serious confrontation.

“Oh,” Levi said, apparently uninterested, not looking up from his newspaper. “Is that so.”

The tone of voice was familiar to Eren, and sent chills down his spine. Sonia, however, was undeterred. “Yes,” she said. “Then we’re going to the park.”

A full five minutes passed, without anyone speaking; Sonia smirked victoriously while she munched on toast. Eren found he did not have much of an appetite. He was just about to try to ask Levi if there had been any news about the night before, when Levi broke the silence.

Later, Eren would realize that it had been perfectly timed to coincide with Sonia finishing her breakfast.

“Are you planning to go out,” Levi said, his tone still expressing boredom, “looking like that?”

Eren turned his attention back to Sonia; she was stricken, like a general realizing he had been taken in by a clever trap and was now surrounded on all sides. Eren had very little knowledge of children, but he supposed Sonia’s disheveled appearance did not meet Levi’s exacting standards of personal cleanliness and grooming. 

Sonia did not want to change her dress (which was yesterday’s) or brush her hair. She had known that Levi’s inherent fairness would not allow him to forbid the trip once Eren had agreed; but what he could do was prevent her from leaving until she had cleaned herself up to his satisfaction.

All this Eren pieced together later; at the time he could only look from one to the other in bewilderment. 

Sonia’s response had been to immediately start screaming and crying and throw herself on the floor; Levi ignored this and carried on drinking tea and reading as though nothing had happened. Eren’s first impulse--to go to the child and try to comfort or reason with her--was quickly quashed when Levi glanced up from his newspaper to look mildly at him when he began to rise. Eren sat back down.

For ten minutes (though it seemed much, much longer) Sonia wailed, until eventually she started to slow down and stop, gasping for breath on the floor.

Levi folded his newspaper and stood up.

“Finished?”

“I am not brushing my hair!” she said between gritted teeth.

“Then you are not leaving the house.” Levi pulled her up by one arm and escorted her from the room.

Eren exhaled softly then picked up Levi’s discarded newspaper. He searched the paper, but could find no mention of the previous evening’s events; nothing about himself, or the assassin, or the restaurant they had been in. Puzzled, uneasy, and slightly relieved he put the paper down. It seemed impossible that the story could have been kept quiet…

Could Armin be behind it all? Eren knew he worked for the government, in a position of some importance, but could he really be powerful enough to suppress a story like that?

Levi came back in. 

“There wasn’t anything about last night.”

“No.”

“Armin?”

Levi just looked at him. 

Eren sighed. “Let me guess. You’re on a museum committee with him too.”

“No. But we are both on the Survey Corp’s Board of Directors.”

Eren swallowed and shook his head. “What you’re saying sounds so crazy…”

“Why? You want to live in the past, as though nothing has changed. Including yourself. But that isn’t how the world works. People grow up.”

“The Survey Corp--” he began hotly.

“The Survey Corp isn’t some idealistic dream _you once had_. It’s a dream all of humanity has shared. Now that the Titans have been defeated its operations have changed but its mission hasn’t. It still exists to protect the people and explore the world outside the walls.”

Eren said nothing. Levi wasn’t wrong of course, intellectually he knew that. But he couldn’t help his reaction. All of this _felt_ wrong. He had to struggle to see Armin as an adult, a government official, a man who by necessity had become a deadly fighter in close quarters. In his mind Armin was still a slight but brilliant teenager, precocious but needing his and Mikasa’s protection.

Mikasa was a girl, not a mother, Titans roamed the outside world, and Levi…

“All right?” Sonia asked in a grudging tone, darting into the room.

Levi examined her, now polished and sparkling clean, her dark hair tightly braided and her dress neatly pressed, then nodded curtly. “You’ll do.”

Levi wasn’t raising a child. Wasn’t raising his child. Levi was the distant and remote Captain who had through the years become his friend and ally. 

Except now they were strangers again. 

When the three of them were outside waiting for the carriage he said in an undertone, “It is...difficult to accept.”

“Because you’ve never tried. You chose to run away instead.”

“I wanted to explore the outside world! You all knew that was my dream--”

“I don’t mean at first,” Levi replied levelly. “But if you’ll remember, when Armin and Mikasa agreed to join you on your little quest, they tried to get you to agree to a time to return. A year, if I recall correctly. You insisted that you would never return, and you wanted them to swear the same. When they refused, you threw a tantrum much like the one we just witnessed, and struck out on your own.”

He doesn’t answer. He knows Levi’s wrong, of course. But at the same time he knows Levi is telling the truth.

“Survey Corps Scouts found you, two years later, and even then you refused to send any message back to your friends. They had to come out--in person--before you would even speak to them.”

He remembered it happening, but not like that--in his memory, he had simply been staying true to his principles, not abandoning his friends…

In desperation he latched on to the one thing he felt certain he still retained the moral high ground on. 

“What about you?”

Levi had been his friend, at the end. Unquestionably. He didn’t doubt those memories at all.

“Me?” Levi repeated.

“You didn’t come with me either. What did you have to keep you here?” he asked with a trace of bitterness he was unable to keep out of his voice.

“You never asked me,” Levi replied simply. “You just left.”

The carriage pulled up in front of them, and he followed Levi and Sonia in, his head pounding. He does remember that; he had left without saying goodbye to Levi. Of course in his mind, his memories, the stories he’s been telling himself for years it didn’t happen that way.

And yet at the same time, he knows it did.


	3. Chapter 3

_Purchases * A Visit * Reflections * Luncheon * A Discovery * A Threat_

 

For Eren, the morning passed in a whirlwind; buying dresses for Sonia at what had to be the most expensive dress shop in Shinganshina, stopping mid-morning for tea and cakes, dashing over to the park where Sonia saw other children playing.  Throughout it all Levi maintained an aloofness that was quite typical for him, but behind it Eren swore that he was laughing at him.

It was impossible to say no to Sonia.  All morning she looked at Eren with doe-eyed requests that appeared harmless until he got the dressmaker’s bills, or had half the cafe’s pastry case set down in front of them, or felt compelled to intervene after Sonia pushed down a boy twice her size for not making way on the merry-go-round.  She was a tiny dervish of will and energy and wiliness, and by noon he was totally exhausted.

“Levi,” she said, pensively staring back at the playground where her crying victim was being tended to by his nanny, “can we visit Mikasa?”

Eren was relieved to hear her begin a request this way.  He dreaded hearing any more of the “Daddy, can we…”  Levi had not interfered in any way after making sure she was properly dressed before leaving the house.  He was beginning to deeply resent that lack of interference.

“Yes, I suppose we can do that,” Levi replied, and Sonia began to skip and prance in front of them, grabbing Eren’s hands and then letting them go, making any normal kind of progress on the narrow sidewalk impossible.  She told him all about Mikasa’s baby, sang songs, and made up rhymes.

Eren regarded her bleakly.  “Does she ever get tired?”

“Sometimes.  She falls asleep, anyway.”

“Then she’ll take a nap?” Eren asked, brightening.

Levi surprised him by laughing; Eren realized, after a moment, that that was a no.

Fortunately they were not far from Mikasa’s house.  A maid answered the door, and Eren found himself once again stunned and uneasy by the grandiose surroundings.  Mikasa and Jean had a handsome townhouse.  There were fresh-cut flowers in a bowl in the entryway, a long elegant staircase leading up from the front hall, and a polished crystal chandelier hanging overhead.

The maid led them into a side parlor and disappeared.  Levi and Sonia seemed quite comfortable, but Eren looked around unhappily, afraid of dirtying the striped gold brocade couch he was perched on.  He could picture a great lady living here, but Mikasa?

They didn’t have to wait long for her to come in.  After kissing Eren on the cheek and greeting Levi she gave Eren the baby to hold, and then she and Sonia were laughing through games and songs while Levi looked on tolerantly.

Eren couldn’t help the sharp pains of jealousy--of Mikasa? Sonia? Levi? He didn’t know.  Only that it made him angry to see the three of them enjoying their visit.  It was clear that Sonia viewed Mikasa as an aunt, that their visits were warm and regular.  They must see each other often in the capital--Eren said, suddenly, “Mikasa, do you live here all the time?”

She looked up from where she sat on the floor, spinning Sonia around in circles to smile at him.  “No, we have a house in the capital, that’s where we spent most of the year.  But Jean and I are in Shinganshina often for business, and the houses are getting more expensive--it made sense to buy another residence last year.”

There; he hadn’t even known that, this most basic fact of her life.  Rage rose up within him, but it was rage at the situation, at himself.  What Levi had said earlier was true.  Life had stopped for him, and he was angry at everyone else for...what?  Living.

After a quarter of an hour or so a nanny came in to put the baby down for its nap, and Sonia was enticed away to offer her help and advice.  Eren regarded the poor nanny with a mixture of relief and pity.  The three adults were left alone; Levi stirred and said, “I think I’ll go and wait for Jean in his office; I wanted to discuss something with him before we sit down to lunch.”

It was a painfully obvious excuse to leave them alone, but Mikasa smiled at Levi with real warmth, and agreed.

As soon as he was gone, Eren demanded, “How could you not tell me?”

“Tell you what?” she asked in surprise.

“Sonia-!”

“Eren,” she said, sharply cutting him off.  “Sonia is Levi’s child.  More than that I don’t know, and it isn’t my place to say.”  She gave him a dark look of reproach.

He clenched a fist.  “You suspected--”

“I don’t know anymore than what I just told you,” she said, speaking carefully.  “And if Levi hasn’t seen fit to confide anything in me, I don’t see how it’s your place to.”

“Fine,” he said at last.  “You didn’t even tell me he had a child then, or that you were friends--”  
  
Baffled, she stared at him.  “Eren, he’s my cousin.  Why shouldn’t I be friends with him?  We’ve known each other for ten years.  I never mentioned Sonia because she didn’t exist the last time you were here.  And it wasn’t the kind of thing I was going to write about in a letter!  You haven’t let anyone mention Levi in your presence since I don’t know when.”

She shook her head, apparently disgusted.  With him?  She stood up, and began to tidy up the room, organizing the books and toys and pillows Sonia had scattered around.  “You two had your falling out--or whatever it was--after the war.  You didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t press you.  Fine.  But Levi’s a good and decent man.”

She plumped up a pillow, squeezing it so hard a few feathers flew out and drifted onto the floor.  He heard the unstated criticism-- _and he’s raising your child!  The one you fathered with a prostitute!_ \--and stared at the ground, saying nothing.

“I--we, the rest of us!--aren’t going to ignore him just because you have some old grudge!”

“I don’t!” Eren said suddenly the anger leaving him all at once, and she looked up at him in surprise.  

“I--Mikasa, I’m sorry,” he said, clumsily taking her hands.  “This is why I don’t like to come back.”

Suddenly he felt old and tired.  He remembered other arguments and disagreements that had ended in slights and hurt feelings.  Always his fault, but he could never seem to stop it from happening.  He never meant to hurt anyone, but then there he was, arguing with his friends and running away rather than face the shame of hurting the people who cared about him.

“I don’t mean to, but I just do everything wrong.  I can’t--nothing comes out right.  I didn’t mean to hurt you and Armin all those years ago.  I didn’t mean to.”

“Oh, Eren--” Mikasa began, but at that moment the door opened and Jean walked in.  

He stared at them for a moment--Mikasa standing over Eren, holding his hands--and Eren felt unreasonably annoyed with him.  Did he really think he’d interrupted a tete-a-tete!  But Mikasa said coolly, “Levi’s waiting for you in your study, dear,” and he looked a little startled, mumbled an apology and left.  
  
Mikasa shook her head.  Eren moved to let go, to stand up, to move away, but she held her ground.

“Eren, I love you.  So does Armin.  All of us do.  Don’t let what happened in the past ruin the future.  You--you don’t have to leave again,” she said, her voice catching.  “You could stay--with us.  With Sonia.”

“I--I’ll think about it,” he found himself saying, the words surprising both of them.

  


*****

 

Armin appeared for lunch, and the five adults sat down to a meal of roast chicken, potatoes, bread, cheese, fruit, salad, and a light straw-colored wine.  

“I can’t stay long,” Armin said, taking a little of the salad and passing the bowl to Eren, “but I wanted to tell you all what I’d found out.  I think the man that attacked us last night was a member of one of the Separatist cults.”

“But which one?” Levi asked.

“That’s trickier.  I’ve checked all the dossiers here, and we have no file on him.  I sent a sketch on to the capital, but even if they have a match it will be a few days before we hear anything.  And no group has come forward to claim responsibility.”

“Did anyone else know Eren was going to be back in the city?” Jean asked, at the same time Levi said, “Armin.”

They exchanged looks, and Levi graciously gave way with a wave of his hand.  Armin sighed.  “Everyone says no; Connie didn’t even tell his wife until that morning…”

“But if she mentioned it to a friend, or even her maid, that’s still enough time for word to have gotten back to someone.”  
  
Armin nodded bleakly.  “What were you going to say before.”

“You said there had been a break-in at the government offices last month,” Levi said.  “Didn’t you.”

Armin clenched a fist on the table.  “Damn it,” he said.  He had a look on his face Eren remembered from the old days.  He’d been out-maneuvered, and hadn’t even realized it.  There was almost nothing he hated more.

Mikasa looked from one to the other in confusion.  “You never mentioned this,” she said, taking in both of them.

“I didn’t know,” Armin said honestly.  “I was complaining to Levi about some files being out of order.  I thought it was my secretary’s carelessness, or perhaps even a spy.  I never thought it could have been stolen files!”

“Was this here or in the capital?” Jean put in.

“The capital.  But the thefts could easily have been coordinated!  If they’ve removed dossiers on multiple members we’d have no way of knowing which group it is--the files that were out of order were about something else entirely, so they’re obviously clever and connected enough to cover their tracks.  Damn it all!” Armin repeated, slapping the table with his hand.

“How do you know,” Eren said slowly, “that it is some conspiracy, like you seem to be suggesting?  It doesn’t sound like you have proof--if different files were out of order, and someone attacked me randomly…”  It was only growing more obvious that Armin held an important government job, but it was still difficult to reconcile his idea of his friend with the man sitting next to him.  Historia's spymaster?  Head of intelligence?  Certainly something of that kind, and equally certain Levi did more in government these days than just consult for the Survey Corps.

Armin shook his head.  “That man was a trained professional.  I can’t believe it was a random attack.  And, the truth is, we’ve been expecting something like this to happen for some time.  There are a lot of people that would like to see you dead, Eren,” Armin said sadly.

“The question is, who is responsible?” Levi said.  “Someone who genuinely wants Eren dead, or just wants to use his death as a lever to overthrow the government?”

“The government!”

“There are...groups that are unhappy with Queen Historia’s rule,” Armin put in delicately.  

“But--” Eren looked around at all the serious faces.  “You’re saying I’m at the center of some conspiracy?  Someone wants to kill me?  Any maybe even do it to overthrow the government? I can’t believe it!”

“Why?  It wouldn’t be the first time,” Levi said drily.

“But the Titans are gone now!  The threat is gone!”

“When people desire power there will always be a threat,” Levi said.  “And there’s still one Titan left.”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

_Departure * Memento mori * Scrambled eggs * Dishes * Disaster * A confession * A revelation * A misgiving * A step forward * A walk in the park_

“I hate to break up the party,” Armin said, “But…”

Mikasa smiled. “You always do.”

Armin kissed her cheek and took polite leave of everyone else; Eren followed him to the front hall.

“Are you staying with Levi?”

“I...suppose.” Eren said.

“Good,” Armin said. “You should. You’ll be safer with him.”

That grated; “I can take care of myself,” he said, more harshly than he intended.

Armin smiled sadly. “If you take your Titan form in the city it will be absolute mayhem, Eren. You’ve no idea how differently people feel about you now, since the war ended. The extreme sects have been saying for years that we should destroy you.”

His skin prickled. “You never told me--”

“It’s worse now. And it’s not the majority opinion. But it will be, if you take Titan form in Shinganshina. No matter what happens, they’ll claim you’re responsible. You need to be careful while you’re here.”

Eren huffed out a breath. “Can’t you...do something, Armin?”

His friend grimaced. “I am. And that an assassin made it so close to you, in spite of all our efforts--” Armin shook his head. “This is bad, Eren. I’ve underestimated the situation and there’s a lot I need to do before I can find the people responsible. In fact…” he hesitated.

“What?” Eren said.

“How long were you planning to stay?”

The question caught Eren off guard. “Well…”

“It might be better if you cut your visit short,” Armin said.

“You’re telling me to leave?”

“If you’re out of the way it gives me more room to maneuver. You won’t be in danger--there’s no way anyone could find you, way out where you live, and they don’t have the resources anyway. It might give things a chance to cool off and blow over. We’d have more time to ferret out whoever’s responsible for this, and take action without worrying about retaliation.”

“I’m not a coward, Armin, I won’t just run away!”

“No,” Armin agreed smoothly. “But it’s not just you I’m thinking of.”

Levi. Sonia. Mikasa, and all his other friends. If he stayed now, he was putting them all in danger.

“Oh. I...see,” he said.

“Think about it, Eren,” Armin said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll stop by Levi’s place if I have any news. See you later.”

He watched Armin walk down the front steps feeling guilty and ashamed. It didn’t seem to matter what he did--he was always upsetting or disappointing someone, dragging misery in his wake. Armin was right. If he stayed, he’d be putting the people he cared about in danger. And of course, if he left he’d be disappointing and hurting them. At his house on the cliffs life was lonely, but there were no difficult choices like these.

Perhaps that was the real reason he’d left all those years ago. He’d grown tired of the responsibility. The position of holding others’ lives in his hands, that was never one that he’d relished. He could still remember Levi asking him to choose...and he’d chosen wrong then, hadn’t he?

It had started to rain, a light drizzling mist. Without telling anyone he walked out into the rain, closing the front door behind him.

 

********

 

This was the wealthy part of town, not somewhere he’d spent a lot of time as a child, but soon enough the streets were familiar to him. He walked for hours, until it grew dark, until his clothes were soaked through.

He hadn’t walked with a purpose, but when he arrived at his destination it wasn’t a surprise. The house he had grown up in was gone. It had been destroyed long ago. But unlike the houses around it, it hadn’t been rebuilt. Instead, there was a small park in the spot where his house had once stood.

He wasn’t sure what he had expected--certainly not the ruins to be left there, after all this time--but it hadn’t been this. The park was small, but well-tended. A winding cobbled path ran through it, settled in the middle of a swathe of green. It was high summer, and there were flowers everywhere. His mother’s favorite flowers, he realized suddenly. It wasn’t something he’d thought about in years, but seeing them now he remembered. His father bringing them home, the delighted smile on his mother’s face…

His heart skipped a beat. He could see his mother’s face, more clearly than he had been able to in years.

In the center of the park was a large fountain, made of white marble now rain-stained to a dark smoky pearl. There were three statues standing in the basin of the fountain, perched just above the surface of the water. A laughing mother held her two children’s hands, a boy and a girl. It wasn’t his mother’s face--just a happy young mother meant to represent all mothers. But he knew it was her, all the same, and the despair he had felt all day was lifted from him, like the sun breaking through the clouds. To think that it was not only him that remembered her--that from the painful memory of her death something beautiful had emerged. 

All those years this had been nothing but a shattered ruin, a terrible reminder of his mother’s murder. But now whatever part of his mother’s soul might still be here could watch over the mothers and children that must come to stroll and picnic on fine days. 

“There’s a plaque,” a familiar voice said behind him. “Mikasa had all this built.”

Levi pointed to the base of the fountain, and read aloud, “In loving memory of Carla Jeager, and of all those who lost their lives that day.”

He stood there, crying in the rain for a long time. Finally Levi took his hand and squeezed it; Eren nodded and followed him back to the carriage.

“I take Sonia here,” Levi said, when they were in the carriage.

“Does she know? What happened here, I mean.”

“After a fashion.”

“I’m glad...that my mother’s not forgotten. I should have done something. I should have helped.”

“Sometimes it’s all we can do to carry our grief, we can’t see what’s beyond it.”

After that they were quiet until they reached Levi’s house. Levi let them in, and the hall seemed extraordinarily silent. 

“Sonia?”

“I left her at Mikasa’s.”

There was an unspoken reproach in Levi’s voice.

“I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have just left, I just…”

“We were afraid that something had happened to you. Fortunately one of the neighbors saw you leave.”

Eren sighed. Levi turned and walked up the stairs, away from him. “Get changed. If you’re hungry, I’ll make something to eat.”

When Eren came back downstairs his hair was still wet, but he had dry clothes on. He had had to forego shoes--his one pair of boots was thoroughly soaked, and probably wouldn’t be dry for days he reflected ruefully. He’d have to buy a new pair tomorrow.

“Can I do anything?” he asked Levi.

“Set the table. You can bring the teapot over there too.”

Eren brushed his damp hair back and did as he was told. Levi put bacon, scrambled eggs, vegetables, and bread and butter on the table.

“Not as sophisticated as what we had at Mikasa’s table, I’m afraid.”

“It’s strange seeing her now...a great lady.”

Levi smiled. “I don’t think she’d call herself that. But you still think of her as a girl.”

“It’s hard not to. Levi, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have just left, when all this is happening.”

“I suppose Armin said something to you.”

Eren looked surprised. “Well...yes, but it isn’t his fault.”

Levi gave him a bland look. “What did he say?”

Eren hesitated for a moment--but it wasn’t anything bad. He had to struggle with the idea that he was going to get Armin in trouble. They were all adults now! He told Levi, who seemed unsurprised.

“And what do YOU want?” Levi asked.

“I...want to stay.”

“Then stay,” Levi said simply.

Eren searched his face--for some double meaning or ambiguity. It didn’t make sense for Levi to want him here if it put Sonia in danger. So either Levi didn’t view the threat as important enough to warrant his departure...or Levi’s desire for him to stay outweighed his concern for his child. Which seemed laughably unlikely.

“If you’ve finished,” Levi said, getting to his feet, “you can help me with the washing up.”

Eren padded after him, carrying plates, the cold kitchen tiles chilling his feet. He stood side by side with Levi, occasionally drawing one foot up to warm it against his leg.

He could remember many other nights spent like this. Back when Eren had been a teenager Levi had been a harsh taskmaster. Eren had had to rewash plenty of floors and cupboards before he’d understood what would live up to the Captain’s high standards. But Levi had always worked as hard as any of them, even on the most menial tasks. He had never asked them to do anything he wasn't willing to do himself.

Eren dried while Levi did the washing. As he had done many times before his gaze drifted down to admire Levi’s long agile hands, and the quick, elegant way they moved. Levi always moved beautifully, whether he was flying through the air with a sword or elbow-deep in soapy water.

And standing this close, so close, was bringing back other memories. They had grown to be something more than friends over the years, becoming closer than Eren ever could have imagined when he’d first met Levi, beaten to a pulp in that courtroom! When Hanji’s experiments had left him weak and sick Levi had taken care of him. He’d shunned the others--especially Mikasa, who always tried too hard to mother him--but he would never have dared to push Levi away.

Well, no. He had tried, hadn’t he? Levi had followed him back to his room once, after a particularly grueling day. He'd found Eren sitting on the floor leaning against the wall, too weak to even get into bed.

And when the Captain had come to help him stand he’d been unable to hold back the nausea that had been building. He'd thrown up, managing to hit not only himself and the floor but Levi's boots too.

Aghast--horrified--he knew better than anyone how highly Levi valued cleanliness--all he could do was babble an apology, even as another wave of agony doubled him over. 

“Don’t be stupid,” Levi had said, sounding merely impatient, with no trace of disgust in his voice. Heedless of the mess, he’d dropped to the floor, right next to Eren.

“You can’t--!” Eren had wailed.

“Quiet, brat,” Levi had said. One arm had gone around Eren, pulling him close. With his other hand he held a clean, wet handkerchief that he used to wipe Eren’s face.

Eren had struggled weakly, then given up and leaned into the embrace, sobbing into Levi’s shoulder in pain and exhaustion. It hadn’t lasted long--maybe five minutes--and when he’d stopped, spent, Levi had helped him up, gotten him cleaned up and undressed and into bed without comment. The bed was cold, and he hadn’t slept properly in days, and he knew this would be another restless, pain filled night. He’d already be awake in the morning, still not properly warm when Hanji came to knock on his door. He smiled wanly at Levi anyway, by way of thanks...then swallowed hard.

Levi was stripping in front of him. First the leather straps of his gear came off--then his long fingers unbuttoned his white shirt. His movements were efficient as always, and unselfconscious, as if he were alone in his own room. Eren, in spite of his illness, was more interested than he could have believed possible.

When Levi was almost completely naked he had shuttered the lantern and climbed into the bed, tucking himself behind Eren. It was bliss. The pain and discomfort didn’t completely disappear, but they might as well have. A world of possibility had been opened, and he didn’t think he’d sleep at all--although for entirely different reasons. 

But he woke in the morning to discover that he had slept, better than he had in weeks, maybe months. The first thing he was aware of, apart from the delicious warmth all around him, was his cock, painfully hard in his underwear. Nothing at all like the increasing pain he’d been feeling as a result of the experiments. But an anticipatory pain, that could easily be relieved…

And Levi’s right hand was on his belly, only inches away.

 _Don’t even think that,_ he'd told himself sternly, but how could he help it?

There hadn’t been any relief from that direction of course--not on that or any other morning that had followed. But that hadn’t stopped the intimacy from developing between them in other ways. It wasn’t even the last night they’d spent in the same bed. Levi had never crossed any other line with him, never done anything beyond offering comfort and warmth (and even that, only when he was really ill or injured). And for reasons that he grew to spend a lot of time counting and enumerating he had never tried to cross that line himself.

But it hadn’t stopped him from fantasizing--a lot of fantasizing. That first morning he was torn between wanting Levi to stay in bed with him as long as possible, and wanting him to leave so he could deal with his urgent erection. Had Levi known? He must have, mustn’t he? But they had never talked about it--never even come close to that taboo subject.

And when Levi had left, finally, and he had been able to take himself in hand it had been dizzying. He had gripped his cock, feeling the bed still warm from Levi’s body, his smell everywhere, and it had taken about five seconds to get off. Even still feeling as lousy as he did it had been the best orgasm of his life, and until Hanji came to knock on the door he had lain in the bed almost comatose with pleasure.

“Sonia is going to spend the night at Mikasa’s. I sent her a message and let her know you were all right.”

Eren nodded acknowledgment, feeling a flash of shame about the direction his thoughts had strayed, wondering as always if Levi had guessed.

But they had been close once. Even without sex, they had been close in other ways.

At the end they had been inseparable. He had spent more time with Levi than Mikasa or Armin. At first there had been a few comments--particularly from Jean--but in the end everyone had just grown used to it. It was strange that their famously private Captain preferred Eren’s company, but in some ways it was strange that any of them were friends. But the things they had lived through had bound them together.

He had never thought that he had been the one that had thrown away that friendship. Not even for a moment. The separation from Levi had cut him much deeper than his break with Armin and Mikasa, and for that reason he had been doubly angry at them. Never seeing Levi again...the thought of that was so unspeakably painful that he had tried his best NOT to think of it all these years. Instead, he’d vented his anger on Mikasa and Armin, who had not deserved it.

Now, he forced himself to think about it all, those last few days. Levi had betrayed him, hadn’t he? He hadn’t come. But he was right, Eren hadn’t asked him. He’d been so furious at everything at the end. The peace that he was sure he’d feel when they had defeated the Titans hadn’t come. And what was worse, he was still a Titan. The only way to lose the power was to die.

He had been so angry...so frustrated. He had thrown himself wholly into the only other goal he could understand. Nothing had happened the way he had anticipated. Humanity was free, but he wasn’t. When his friends had raised perfectly reasonable objections he had been too maddened by his grief and anger to see them that way, and he had struck out on his own. 

He hadn’t asked Levi to come, because he had just assumed that he would. It had seemed obvious to him, in his altered state, that Levi would--no discussion necessary of course. In his wild imaginings Levi had just been there. 

And of course, he realized now, Levi probably would have come if he had asked. He’d been too stupid to--hadn’t even realized how stupid he’d been until much, much later and even then he hadn’t thought it had been his fault. Hadn’t realized the enormity of his error. Hadn’t Levi always shown up before? Always appeared when he was needed, to rescue Eren from the latest crisis? When he hadn’t the last time it had seemed to Eren that they were done for good. Once the war had ended, so had Levi’s use for him.

“Eren.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been drying that plate for ten minutes.” Gently, Levi took it from his hands and put it away.

“Sorry,” he said. And then, in a rush, “Levi, I really fucked everything up, didn’t I?”

Levi tilted his head, and keeping his voice soft and reasonable, he asked, “What do you mean?”

But Eren found he couldn’t answer. He shook his head and walked away.

Alone in his room he sat on the edge of the bed, still clutching the dishrag. The enormity of what he’d done--what he’d thrown away--had finally hit him. Everyone else had grown up and built lives for themselves. He hadn’t because the only life he’d wanted had seemed unavailable to him. 

Levi had known he was leaving and hadn’t come. Because he had thought Eren was a monster. Because Eren WAS a monster. Once they had defeated the Titans Eren had outlived his usefulness to humanity--and so to Levi as well.

That was what he had started to believe. And it had been unbearable. To know that the man you loved (and he hadn’t ever thought that Levi would love him back, but he had believed that Levi liked and respected him) thought you were a monster. Through that twisted lens everything Levi had ever done for him had become suspect--every small kindness was just an assurance that Eren would be well enough and strong enough to do his duty.

He had believed that...of Levi. He was disgusted with himself. His own stupidity was to blame. It shouldn’t have been so easy to doubt Levi, to doubt his friend, but it WAS easy to believe those things, when you believed them yourself. When he had run away, he had been trying to outrun himself. What he was. 

Feeling ill, he forced himself to stand up. Levi deserved the truth at least. Far from being faithless, he was still Eren’s friend, still trying to protect him all these years later.

He knocked on Levi’s door, which was down the hall from his own. After a small--surprised?--pause, Levi said, “Come in.”

Eren did, closing the door behind him.

Levi had changed already, and was sitting up in his bed with a book lying open in his lap.

“Are you all right, Eren?”

“I--wanted to talk to you.”

“So I gathered,” he said drily. “Sit down. I can’t talk to you with you hovering there like that.”

The only chair was across the room--facing in the other direction. So Eren reluctantly sat on the edge of the bed. And in the most awkward, halting way imaginable he explained what had happened after the war, and why he had left so precipitously.

It was a terrible narrative, incoherent and garbled, and only understandable to Levi because he had guessed half of it for himself. The other half he could piece together because he knew Eren--understood him. Even after all these years. And wasn’t that amazing? The world had changed, but not Eren...not where it really counted.

Of course, he hadn’t really understood Eren--if he had they wouldn’t be sitting here in this stupid way--but then he supposed there probably wouldn’t be any Sonia, either, so on balance…

For his own part, after the war ended he had thought that Eren would get around to asking him, eventually, and he had made up his mind to say yes. It had hurt not to be asked--and it had hurt more not to even warrant a goodbye. Particularly when Erwin and Hanji had gotten one. He had thought, at the time, that he had done something--or said something--too much. Given too much of himself away. He couldn’t see how, but he couldn’t see any other explanation either. That Eren was attracted to him, in some way, he knew. But he had also seen Eren goggling after plenty of women over the years, so what did that matter? His charisma was enough to turn heads, even people that wouldn’t normally be interested in him. That wasn’t vanity; just experience. So what.

He had done his best to keep his feelings to himself--he had thought, anyway. But when Eren hadn’t come to him, he had assumed that Eren had been trying to avoid an awkward scene. 

At the time he’d been very angry. What had Eren expected him to do? Beg him to come along?

And then of course, what he had really thought, underneath it all, was that it was because he was too old. Eren had never asked him--neither had the others--because he was too old. They liked him, and respected him, sure. But the only thing he was really good at was killing Titans--and in this new world, that was an outdated skill. They were still young enough to live most of their lives in the new world--the one they had made.

Eren was still babbling away, and Levi was still half-listening, but he heard something that caught his attention. 

“You’re not a monster,” Levi said, sounding somewhat surprised, looking directly at him for the first time since he’d started speaking.

Eren just looked back, his eyes too bright and wet. He looked so abjectly miserable that Levi realized, with a shock, that he really believed it.

“That’s why...you left,” he said in surprise. “It wasn’t to get away from humanity at all. It was to keep yourself away.” 

He had thought that Eren’s reasons for staying away were childish and stupid. They _all_ had. More than once, it had come up in conversation among them, and they’ve all been disgruntled about it, even when they’ve been speaking politely. It had never occurred to him that Eren might have wanted to stay--but hadn’t believed there was a place for him.

Hell, look at what had happened this afternoon. At the first suggestion that he might be putting them in danger he’d disappeared, not even stopping long enough to say goodbye. And after he’d left the park where his old house had stood, if Levi hadn’t come then, would he have come back to Levi’s place? Or just kept walking, with nothing but the clothes on his back?

He wanted to shout at Eren and shake him for being so stupid, but there was something admirable about it as well. Levi had always considered himself to be solitary, but if he was honest with himself he had to admit he had plenty of friends, and he had for a long time. Eren had been living such an ascetic existence that he’d gone years without seeing or speaking to another human. Could _he_ do that? Levi? Uncomfortably, he thought the answer was no. And Eren hadn’t been doing it because he’d wanted to--how quickly he had said ‘yes’ when Levi had asked him if he’d wanted to stay.

“Stop, stop,” Levi said. Eren was still babbling away. “I don’t want to hear any more. You’re an idiot.”

Shocked into silence Eren looked at him, as if he’d just been slapped. “Right,” he said, finally. “Sorry. I just...wanted you to know, it wasn’t your fault. When I left. It was mine. I thought--you’d just come--”

“I should have,” Levi said savagely.

And Eren was surprised into silence again. He had gotten up to leave, but in that moment of hesitation Levi grabbed him, flipping him easily over his shoulder so that he landed on the bed with a heavy ‘oomph’.

“Pathetic,” Levi said, “even if you haven’t fought an opponent in years your reflexes should be better than that.”

Eren gaped at him, and Levi turned from his crouch to straddle him, his bent knees resting on either side of Eren’s hips.

 _No,_ Eren thought, _this can’t possibly be happening._

And then Levi kissed him.

It wasn’t like kissing a human (not that Levi had had much experience of late, and his memories were to be fair a little hazy). It was like trying to kiss a rain storm, a wild animal. It wasn’t that Eren was fighting against him--it was that he was fighting desperately for _more._

And thank goodness Levi could overpower him in his human form, they’d be in trouble otherwise. (He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel the need for the tiniest bit of caution--how in practice with his Titan abilities _is_ Eren these days? He can think of worse situations for Eren to unexpectedly turn into a Titan, but not many.)

The first time Eren pulled his hair a little too roughly Levi grabbed his hands and kept them pinned down above his head. He used his legs to keep Eren still beneath him, and his other hand was busy unbuttoning the (what felt like) 200 buttons that lay between them, and that perfect promise of skin-to-skin.

Thinking about that--thinking too far ahead--made his dick hurt, so he pressed into Eren a little more, trying to get him to ease up.

“Eren,” he said, pulling his mouth back and nipping the corner of his mouth reproachfully, “Stop.”

It had been a bad idea to let Eren have the use of his mouth again; or a good one, maybe. The desperation in his voice was like a lightning bolt straight to his crotch, and he groaned, stopping the unbuttoning long enough to squeeze his cock through his thin cotton pajama bottoms.

“Please, Levi, please, I want you so bad--”

“I know,” he gritted, kissing Eren into silence, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, Eren calm down. I’m going to take care of you. All right?”

Everything he said was punctuated by forceful kisses, and more nibbles, to Eren’s lips and neck while Eren gasped and writhed beneath him, trying to break free.

When Levi got their shirts off, that was good; when he got their pants off that was better. Lying naked in Levi’s arms seemed to calm Eren, enough that he wasn’t struggling, anyway, and Levi loosened his hold on him. They had their arms around each other and Levi was relishing the feel of all that silky smooth skin under his hands.

Eren’s cock was weeping, and he whimpered every time it brushed up against any part of Levi’s body. Levi himself was rock hard, but he wanted to enjoy this.

“Levi--”

“Wait,” Levi said, keeping the forceful Captain voice, “You’ve been waiting a long time. You can wait a little longer.”

Eren shivered in his arms, and Levi pinched the tip of his cock, helping him maintain his control. 

Sex was good, sex was wonderful, but what he really wanted, what he had really missed, was just holding Eren. It had crept up on him back then, when Eren had been a teenager in his squad. Levi had spent his life learning to be taciturn. Deep down he had a wide capacity for loving others. It had gotten him in trouble, plenty, and so he had learned to subdue it. But it was there. 

Caring about other people was trouble, but unavoidable. He tried to keep his distance and give himself enough space to breathe. Enough that he could keep going when (not if) they died. For most of his life, that had been reality. 

After they’d rescued Eren from the King, and realized that he had new abilities Hanji had been thrilled. When he’d first noticed the experiments were taxing the boy too much he’d been careful to draw attention to it neutrally--publically--to spare Eren’s embarrassment and get Hanji to realize that what she was doing had a price. 

It hadn’t been enough. He’d known that Eren was too proud to let himself be looked after--he’d seen Mikasa get chased off all week after all--and so he’d taken that upon himself too. It had surprised him to find how bad Eren really was. He had grown used to thinking the boy was almost invulnerable--but it appeared there were limits to even his extraordinary ability to heal.

He had known at once that what Eren needed was a lot more than just a bandage and a pat on the head, but seeing him shivering in the bed--his pathetic attempt to appear suitably grateful--had made him irrationally angry. It was like seeing a stupid kitten shivering in the gutter. And part of him understood, of course, that he saw himself in Eren. No one had come to cuddle him and comfort him when he’d been the one shivering and alone--not since his mother died. 

No,what had surprised him was not how much Eren had needed it--but how much _he_ had. Holding Eren, being that close to another human being, sharing the warmth of his body--when had he last done that? Not for years. And not like this.

So it hadn’t been the only time. In fact, he had lost track over the years of how often they had turned to each other, to comfort and be comforted. There were times when he doubted he was doing the right thing--when he felt like a dirty old man, frankly. He hated that. But he convinced himself that what he was doing was innocent, at least on his side. And if Eren got hard from time to time, well, he was a teenager. The wind could do that sometimes, no assistance from Captain Levi required.

But when Eren had gone so had that physical part of his life. Apart from the odd handshake or hug no one touched him affectionately--and he certainly wasn’t going to go looking for it. (Cuddle Erwin, for example? Hanji, perhaps!) There was no one in his life that could fulfill that need. 

He thought that had played more than a small role in his decision to keep Sonia. That small, warm bundle in his arms--so vulnerable, and in need of protection. He had never minded holding and rocking her when she had cried--and in fact had frequently taken her from the wetnurse to rock her himself after she’d eaten, much to the woman’s consternation. With Sonia, his desire to protect and love had found an outlet, and he hadn’t felt he had a right to complain for wanting more. Half a loaf was better than no bread, after all.

But he had missed _this_ so much. Holding Eren--feeling that strong body return his embrace--it was like feeling alive again for the first time in years. Or, not quite that, but seeing a color again, like all the red had left the world when Eren had gone, and it was back now.

He leaned back to look Eren over. His lips were swollen, and his eyes were dark, full of passion. Not too old then, he thought smugly, and he couldn’t help but smile a little at himself. He leaned forward and kissed Eren again, biting at his lips to keep them busy, so they wouldn’t burst out with something stupid, like ‘Eren, I love you. Don’t leave me again.’

“Levi, I want--”

“I know.”

He let his hands travel lower, stroking Eren’s bottom, the sensitive skin around his hole. Eren sighed in pleasure and buried his face against Levi’s neck, absently kneading his back and shoulders.

“This?”

“YES.”

“Wait a minute,” he said coolly, as if he wasn’t growing impatient and desperate himself.

When he got up from the bed he was wracking his brains for something he could use--if he had been at home, in Mitras, it would have been easy to find something but this was just a rented house and he hadn’t traveled with much in the way of toiletries. But there had to be something, damn it--

Yes, there was, merciful heaven. And in hardly the time it had taken to cross the room he was back in the bed, a little pot of grease that he used after shaving in his hand. It was smooth and slippery on his fingers and it had a soft herbal smell. He touched Eren gently, working it into him with careful, delicate strokes.

“It doesn’t hurt?”

“No.”

“Tell me if it does.”

Eren smiled crookedly. “It won’t.”

“You’re still a stupid brat,” Levi said, and kissed him again. _Oh, my heart don’t leave me again. Don’t leave._

“Now, now,” Eren said impatiently. He put a hand around Levi’s cock, guiding it towards himself. Levi pushed his hand away and slicked himself up; then he was at the entrance to Eren’s body. Eren was wiggling underneath him but he kept him still, giving himself this moment. Not savoring it, exactly, but preparing. For whatever came after; he was by no means sure that the outcome from this would be good...for either of them.

“Hey,” Eren said. “Levi.”

Damn it. 

“It’s all right,” Eren said. He was searching Levi’s face for something--apparently not seeing whatever he was looking for, because he slipped free and rolled so that they were lying on their sides. Levi turned his traitorous face away, into the pillows, and Eren nuzzled him, pretending not to notice.

“Shh, shh,” Eren said. “It’s all right.” It was exasperating. A total overreaction.

Eren was holding him tightly, and stroking his hair. “We don’t have to do anything else,” he said softly, after a while. 

Fuck.

He knew he had to speak, to fix this, but he suddenly couldn’t. He just stayed where he was, letting Eren hold him, his face still turned away.

Eren cleared his throat, a little embarrassed cough, and then said, “Is it because--”

“No,” Levi said, forestalling whatever stupid thing was going to come out of his mouth next. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Dishonesty had gotten them here. If he’d just done what he’d wanted to do, years ago, taken Eren into the goddamn barn on that goddamn farm and blown him, knocked stupid Hanji over the head and carried Eren off to ravish him instead of sitting through another one of her bloody experiments, hell! Even just not moved his hands out of the way one morning when Eren had been wiggling, probably not entirely innocently, around.

Honesty, as awful as it was, was the only option. “It’s because I’m afraid of fucking up,” he said harshly. “I don’t want to fuck this up with you because I don’t want you to leave. You’re my child’s father. All our friends are the same. It isn’t like we can just go our separate ways and never see each other again if it doesn’t work and it sucks and--”

“Levi,” Eren said, and he sounded totally calm and in command of the situation, which was as perplexing as it was aggravating. “I’m not going to leave you.”

“But I’ve never done this before,” Levi muttered. “I don’t know how to--”

“I can show you.”

“I don’t mean that. Idiot.”

Eren laughed. “I don’t think it will be much different that what we were doing before. Just, more sex...I hope.”

Levi blew out an exasperated breath. “That’s all you care about.”

“No,” Eren said, and even in the darkness Levi could see the sudden seriousness, the intensity, on his face. “It isn’t. I love you. I stayed away, because I thought I couldn’t have you and I didn’t want anything else.”

“Oh,” Levi said. 

Eren had propped himself up; now he was the one straddling Levi. He moved forward so that he was covering Levi’s body with his own; he kissed Levi gently and moved so that his ass was lined up with the tip of Levi’s cock.

“Okay?” 

“I guess,” Levi said, and Eren grinned at him, and kissed him again. He started lowering himself--carefully--onto Levi’s cock, gripping it in his hand as he guided it in. He moved a little--then a little more--kept moving until he said, 

“Oh, oh, yes, yeah,” and almost involuntarily Levi’s hands came up to grip his hips, rocking him a little harder into that angle, and Eren cried out in wordless passion. 

After that there was no thought, no conscious thought, just instinct taking over. At some point Levi grabbed him and flipped him over so that their positions were reversed again; now he was the one thrusting while Eren took it, crying out, scrabbling at his shoulders for traction.

With his right hand he rubbed Eren’s cock, squeezing him in a slick, tight grip. When he felt Eren’s body start to clench up around his, he thought, yes, yes, please, yes, and he thrust harder.

With Levi riding him like that it didn’t take long. Eren cried out, longer this time, and his seed spilled out in a hot splash over Levi’s hand. Levi kept thrusting into him through the aftershocks, feeling his own orgasm take him. And it was good--like white lightning lighting him up, from his toes to the tips of his hair. It was good. But bringing Eren off--that had been amazing. He’d never forget what it was like to feel Eren clench up around him like that, his body shaking, his whole face twisted up in ecstasy. He pressed his face into Eren’s neck, kissing him there.

 

******

 

The next morning Mikasa had her driver take her and Sonia around to Levi’s house. She left the baby with the nanny, telling her she could go straight on to the park with him and meet them there.

Mikasa checked to see that the carriage doors were locked, then said, “Stay here, Sonia.”

“But I want to see Levi!” 

“You can wave to him. We’re going on to the park, love, I’m just telling him that. You don’t need to get out,” Mikasa told her calmly. She knew from experience that if Sonia got out of the carriage it would take her an hour to get in again--she’d go tearing all over the house looking for some misplaced toy, needing to use the lavatory, wanting something to eat or drink. “Stay here,” she said, giving her honorary niece an impressive glare. Sonia sighed dramatically, but leaned back in her seat.

When she knocked at the door Levi answered it, after only a short delay. She was surprised to see him still wearing a dressing gown at this late hour of the morning--she knew he was an early riser and he always dressed right away. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again.

“Oh,” she said, smiling and coloring slightly.

“Coming in, Mikasa?”

“No. I was going see if you wanted to join us in the park, but if you’re busy--” her lip trembled; she just managed to keep from laughing-- “I can keep Sonia a little longer.”

“That would be nice,” Levi said drily. “If Armin turns up, tell him all his suggestions are terrible.”

At that, Mikasa did laugh. “What does that mean?”

“Never mind. Thanks for taking Sonia. Want me to give you lunch later? The Strand? One o’clock?”

“If you think you can make it,” she teased. “It’s ten-thirty now.”

Levi smiled.

“See if you can get him to stay, will you?”

“I’ll do my best.”

She had started to leave but she turned back, and said in a rush, “Levi, I am happy for you both.”

Levi lowered his voice, and said, “You’re just happy he didn’t end up with that little bitch Historia.”

Mikasa burst out laughing. “Well, she was never good enough for him!” she shot back, eyes sparkling, before running down the steps.

******

 

Armin was waiting for them at the entrance of the park, very punctually.

“Sorry, sorry,” she said, taking his arm.

“That’s all right. Levi and Eren?”

“Not coming. Sonia, there’s nanny, go and help her with the baby, all right?”

Sonia scampered ahead, and Armin smiled.

“That was a little cruel, Mikasa.”

Mikasa laughed. “That’s what I pay her for.”

“Yes, to watch your child. Not that little hellion. The poor woman should get hazard pay.”

“Oh, _you’re_ being cruel. Sonia’s very sweet.”

Armin smiled and shook his head. “You’re very biased. It isn’t like Levi to shirk his parental obligations though. Is everything all right?”

“They’re…” she trailed off, not knowing how to say it.

He looked at her, waiting for her to go on, until he understood. “Oh. _Oh._ Hmm. I did think there was something there, yesterday. And the other night.”

“Jean said he caught them together once, years ago, but I never believed it. And...” after a moment’s hesitation she told him what Levi had said as she’d left.

Armin’s expression wobbled for a moment, torn between amusement and disapproval, but then he started to laugh. “Levi made a joke? Things really must be serious between them.” He glanced at her sideways. “You never did like Historia, did you?”

“Are you asking me as my friend Armin, or as Queen Historia’s loyal spymaster?”

“Mikasa, really.”

“I didn’t like when she was mooning after Eren. I didn’t want her breaking his heart. I don’t mind her doing what she likes with other people,” Mikasa said pointedly.

Armin smiled again, a little sadly this time. “Breaking other hearts?”

“Is she?”

“I sometimes wish she would. And that’s all I have to say on the subject. Let’s talk about something else. Gossiping about other people is always much more interesting than gossiping about yourself.”

“All right. When I called, Levi was still in his dressing gown.”

Armin stared at her, then shook his head in wide-eyed wonder.


	5. Chapter 5

_Happiness * On fighting one's nature * An unwelcome choice * Removal_

 

 

Later, he would remember that week as one of the happiest of his life.

It was years' worth of lost time squeezed into a few days--there were picnics with his friends, and lunches out, long rides in the woods with Levi and Sonia, tea parties with his daughter in her bedroom, quiet late meals with Levi. Going to bed with him--making love for hours.

He knows Levi, but he’s getting to know him all over again. Finding out the ways he’s changed. At night they talked about the past. The people they’ve lost. The things they’ve done. The choices they still can’t forget. 

They didn’t talk about the future.

 

*****

 

Eren knew they wanted him to stay. Mikasa had never made any secret of that, but the others had joined in too. Part of him even wanted to. 

Another part rebelled at being confined within these walls, no matter what the reason. He was sure that made him selfish, but he knew that if he forced himself to stay it would never work.

He had to decide freely, without constraint. He _wanted_ to want to stay--to make his friends, his lover, his child happy. But that little spark of rebellion in him, the one that had never really been tamped, wouldn’t let him choose so easily. After all, there were reasons why he had left, and stayed away so long, even if they were stupid reasons. 

Levi was the only one that didn’t ask him, and it made him love him all the more. Everyone else said to him-- _will you stay? how long until you leave us?_

Levi didn’t, and he thought--no, he _knew_ \--that it was because Levi understood him. They didn’t talk about it. But Levi knew him--knew that Eren had to flounder around and find his feet if this was a life they were ever going to make together. Levi would let him go again, if that was what he needed. 

It was selflessness, and love, that he felt at all times unworthy of. He wanted to choose to stay for that alone--to lie down, to be quiet, to be biddable. To be deserving of that love. To settle into whatever life Levi wanted.

But at twenty-five, he knew himself well enough to understand that he couldn’t be hobbled. That defiant wildness, that insistence for freedom would never be something he could outgrow. He had to choose. He had to decide for himself that this was the life that he wanted. And as wretched as it made him feel, he wasn’t certain that it was.

 

*******

 

Towards the end of the week he was still in bed when Levi came in and nuzzled him awake. Eren threw his arms around his neck and pulled him in; Levi smiled and untangled him.

“Armin sent a message,” he said. “I’m going to go and meet him. Can you stay here with Sonia? I’ll be back in time for lunch.”

“Mmm,” Eren said, reluctantly letting him go.

“Don’t go out, all right?”

“Sure.”

“Keep the door barred, until I get back.”

Eren grinned at his caution as he pulled his clothes on. “We’ll be fine,” he said firmly, kissing Levi. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

He followed Levi out, obediently locking the door behind him, and then went back up the stairs to rouse Sonia for breakfast. 

They spent a nice morning in silliness and invented games. Eren often found himself tongue-tied when talking to Sonia; he had never been around young children, and she said the oddest things sometimes! But throwing her up in the air never failed to get her shrieking approval, so they spent a lot of time playing and tumbling and roughhousing. Levi had once or twice observed that it was good they were at the same mental age, and Eren (usually hanging upside down, or doing something equally undignified) could only grin in agreement.

Mid-morning Sonia wanted to play hide and seek. Eren dutifully covered his eyes and counted to ten, and when he’d reached it he climbed up the stairs to go looking for her.

Quietly he pushed the door of her room open, and once inside he jerked violently against the unfamiliar arms that seized him. His legs were knocked out from under him, his arms restrained. Straight ahead was Sonia--her mouth covered by the man that was holding her. 

He had a knife to her throat. 

There were other people in the room, but he couldn’t think. All he could do was stare at his daughter, his precious three year old child, and the man that held the glinting steel blade to her throat.

“We’ll kill her if you move, or you make a sound. Understand?”

He nodded. 

“Don’t even think about transforming,” the man said. He was grizzled and gray, but muscular, about forty. He jerked a nod at the man holding Eren, and Eren felt his arms and legs being bound with rope. He made a noise of protest when the man began tying up Sonia.

“No, please,” he said, spitting out the gag they’d been trying on him. “Please, just leave her, she’s just a child…”

“Ah, but we need her to guarantee your good behaviour,” the man said.

They were wearing maneuver gear. At least three other men, apart from the ones holding them. Perhaps more outside. He could see the smashed glass covering the floor under the window they’d come through.

Roughly, the gag was reinserted in his mouth, and all he could do was stare at Sonia, tears in his eyes.

When they were both tied up the man who had spoken to him slung Sonia over his shoulder, and the largest man picked up Eren, easily throwing him back. They went back out through the window, zipping quickly up to the roof, then walking along the rooftops until they’d reached the side street. In the alley below they had a carriage waiting, and their captors quickly hustled them inside.

When the carriage began rolling away the man leaned back and smiled. It was only the four of them now. Eren supposed, dully, that the others would follow them to wherever they were going. There was an extraordinary rage building inside him--rage at his own impotence, his inability to protect Sonia. If Levi had been there it wouldn’t have happened.

“I suppose you’re wondering who I am,” the man said conversationally. “You can call me Nobb. Not my real name of course,” and he grinned, showing one gold tooth. “And maybe you’re wondering what we want with you.

“We know who you are. The Titan, Eren Jaeger. We’ve been following you.”

Eren squirmed against the gag, and Nobb raised an eyebrow. “Want to speak? All right, but remember what happens to her--” and he gave Sonia a jerk, “If you misbehave.”

Eren nodded, and Nobb nodded at his friend to pull the gag down.

“I don’t care what you want with me,” Eren said urgently. “Just let that girl go. You know whose child she is, don’t you?”

“Sure. Levi Ackerman’s daughter.”

“He’ll kill you all when he finds out you’ve taken her,” Eren said. “Please, can’t you see, she’ll only endanger you? Do whatever you like to me, just let her out on the corner. Someone will find her and take her home.”

Nobb raised his eyebrows again. “Very noble! But I don’t think so. If she’s so important to you, that’s all the more reason to keep her along.”

Eren’s heart sank. “Then you’re a fool,” he said. “You’re a fool to go up against him. It will be the last thing you ever do.”

Nobb snorted. “He’s a dangerous character, I’ll grant you,” he said. “But that’s _if_ he finds us, and I don’t think he will. Your precious friends are not as smart as you think they are. We’ve been planning this a long time.” Nobb leaned back comfortably against the cushioned seat. 

“What about the man you sent to kill me? That didn’t go as you planned.”

Nobb grinned, not rising to the bait. “Ah, that was a good piece of work, eh? To tell the truth, it wasn’t my own idea at’all, though afterwards I wished it was. The way it sent the Queen’s lapdog scurrying around! Couldn’t have been better.” Nobb smiled. “He wasn’t one of us. Part of a charming little group--children, whining about the state of the world, harmless when it comes right down to it. One of my men found _him._ Military trained, dishonorably discharged, unstable. Perfect man for the job! Asked him how _he’d_ like to be the man who assassinated Eren Jaeger. He was thrilled, of course. Even had his own weapons! All we did was tell him where you were.

“And since then, your friends have been chasing their tails trying to find out who he was. Only when they do, and they ferret out his little group of useless do-nothings they’ll have nothing at all. They’ll be no closer to finding us than they’ve ever been. Hard to find someone, when you don’t even know they exist.” Again Nobb smiled at him, as if inviting him to share in the joke.

“What are you going to do with me, then?” Eren asked in a low voice.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Nobb asked innocently. “We’re going to kill you, my lad. I’ve heard your kind can heal from all sorts of injuries, and that’s just as well. We’ll want to take our time with it. You’ve got a lot of sins to pay for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all those of you that have been asking for an update, this might be a case of 'be careful what you wish for' :P
> 
> This was always where this story was going though, I'm not punishing any of you, I promise! It's going to get worse before it gets better...that's been part of the difficulty of working up to concluding it!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE WARNINGS
> 
> Violence, torture, mostly implied but still, heavy angst, etc. Dark chapter, don't read if you don't want to.

_Problems associated with traveling with a three year old * A Dark Shepherd * Child, forgive me_

They put the gag back in and blindfolded him for the rest of the drive; his world was limited to the feel of the rough fabric binding him, and what he could hear; the rocking of the carriage as it traveled over rough and paved roads, the breathing of the others in the coach.

He tried to think of a plan, beyond simply hoping for rescue, but he was too scattershot to focus on escape. His mind kept flashing to Levi--coming home to an empty house, and Sonia--his to protect now no matter what. He was already failing.

After hours they stopped the coach.

“Get out and stretch your legs,” Nobb said to the other man. To Eren, he said, “I’ve got a gun in my hand pointed at this little girl’s head. Understand?”

Eren grunted.

He heard Sonia frantically struggling on the other seat. 

“What?” Nobb said, apparently tugging the gag free because she yelled, 

“If you don’t let me outta here I’m gonna pee my pants!”

He laughed, and Eren cringed at the sound. 

“All right little lady,” he said. “You can use the facilities. Don’t move,” Nobb said to him; Eren heard them getting out. He pointed steel against Eren’s temple for a moment; Eren winced. “Remember. I’ll be with her the whole time.”

Eren nodded.

“Don’t look!” he heard Sonia yell angrily outside, and then a few minutes later, “I’m hungry. I don’t want to get back in that smelly old coach. I’m gonna tell my daddy--”

Abruptly there was silence, and Eren tensed up expecting the worst, but moments later he heard them coming back. 

“I want to give Eren a sandwich,” Sonia said. 

“No.”

“I want to give Eren a sandwich!” Sonia screeched, and Nobb sighed and tugged the gag loose on Eren’s mouth.

“You’ll have to feed him yourself.”

“Here, Eren,” Sonia said, and he felt a whole sandwich pushed into his mouth.

“Sonia--” he said, jerking back a little before he could choke-- “Not so much at once, okay?”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he told her weakly.

The sandwich was more gently pushed towards his mouth, and he took a bite.

He heard Sonia chewing while he ate his. She kept feeding him bites, and then she offered him water. Someone banged on the carriage.

“All right, that’s enough,” Nobb said. “Get out.”

Eren was guided out of the carriage and into another one. He heard the others settling--Sonia made a huge fuss when they tried to tie her up again.

“I’m gonna throw up if you put that on me again! I don’t wanna get back in! I’m gonna be sick!”

“She gets sick on carriage rides after eating,” Eren improvised quickly--he thought Sonia was clever enough to play along.

He heard Nobb exhale, very quietly. “All right, miss. We’ll leave you untied--”

“I want to look out the window!”

“Fine!”

They got back in--after some time, much less than before, Sonia started squirming. 

“I have to go to the bathroom!”

“You just went. Sit still.”

“But I just drank so much water,” Sonia began to cry; Eren was versed enough in her ways now to tell she was faking; “I’m gonna pee my pants!” she wailed.

“God damnit,” Nobb muttered. He unrolled the window. “Stop the carriage!” he yelled out. “You have one minute!” he threatened her as she hopped out.

“Don’t look!” he heard her yell again, and in spite of their dire predicament Eren couldn’t help but smile the tiniest bit.

She got back in a moment later. “I want to switch seats.”

“No.”

“I want to switch seats! I feel sick! I want to sit on that side!”

“Quiet you brat or I’ll beat you senseless!”

They hadn’t gagged Eren again after he’d finished eating, and he raised his voice: “The moment you hurt her is the moment you stop breathing.”

There was silence in the coach, then Eren heard Nobb move over. 

The coach began moving again. 

“Stop doing that,” Nobb snapped. 

“I need fresh air,” Sonia replied--from the sound of her voice Eren thought she was probably leaning out of the still-open window. “It makes me feel less sick.”

“Please,” Eren put in, “She’ll be quiet if you just let her. You’ll be good, won’t you Sonia?”

“Yes,” Sonia said innocently.

Nobb grunted irritably, and the coach went silent again. Eren heard Sonia moving back and forth from time to time, but apart from that she was true to her word. He’d never known her to be quiet for so long. He had a suspicion that was so faint he tried not to even think of it, in case he was wrong.

There were hours more of mostly-silent travel; Sonia didn’t even complain about being hungry or thirsty. She seemed content to look out of the window.

When they stopped again it was late afternoon or early evening. They were hustled out of the carriage and into a building somewhere; Eren was pushed to his knees and chained to something--they put his gag back in, but the blindfold was finally removed and he blinked in the sudden light.

Nobb was holding Sonia nearby. Her hair was mussed and her face was dirty, but she looked unharmed. He tried to give her a reassuring look. He wished he could talk to her.

Nobb pushed her towards another man, glancing at Eren as he did so. 

“Take her upstairs. Watch through the windows. Kill her if he tries anything.”

The man nodded, pulling Sonia away from him. He grunted loudly, and Nobb squinted at him before tugging the gag aside.

“What?” he said warily. 

“Don’t let her watch,” Eren said urgently, in a low voice, “Whatever you do to me--”

Nobb snorted; “Of course not. We’re not _monsters.”_

Eren wasn’t reassured, but he didn’t struggle against the gag as he watched her go.

They were in a large warehouse; the equipment--Eren couldn’t imagine what it was for--was dusty and disused, the wide open space was vast and went straight up for several floors, and there was a skylight on the roof letting sunlight in. There were stairs leading up--three stories of open hallways bordered the room, and Eren could see doors on all of them, leading to other rooms. You could stand up there and watch the manufacturing equipment in use--or watch whatever it was they were going to do to him. 

Nobb was smiling as he took a long, sharp knife from a nearby table.

“My son died,” he said, conversationally, “Nine years ago. Your kind killed him.”

He moved fast--he was obviously a trained fighter, and Eren screamed as the knife cut into him. It was muffled by the gag.

 _Sonia_ he yelled in his head. _Sonia, Sonia, Sonia. You mustn’t transform..._

Blood and steam poured from the stump of his arm; Nobb had severed it a few inches above the wrist. He felt ill as he saw it lying there on the floor. 

Nobb picked it up as if it were a curiosity; he turned it this way and that, and Eren leaned forward and closed his eyes. 

“Interesting,” he murmured. “Wonder how long it takes to grow back. Someone write down the time, eh?” He put it down on the table and picked up the knife again, smiling at Eren as he walked towards him.

 

 

 

 

They were pulling him back towards consciousness, and he tried feebly to resist. It was a long way back. Nobb hadn’t been satisfied with only cutting off his hands. He lost consciousness easily now that his injuries were outpacing even his body’s remarkable ability to heal. He had fallen into himself, like a stone to the bottom of the ocean, and he resisted coming back for as long as he could.

Sonia was crouched in front of him.

“Can he see anything?” someone asked.

“Looks like his eyes grew back already.”

“Eren,” Sonia whispered. She was dirtier than she had been the last time he’d seen her--her hair was a tangled mess now. The first thing he thought was how displeased Levi would be when he saw her.

He made himself clear his throat. “Sonia,” he rasped. “You’re going to be okay. Levi will come for you. They won’t hurt you.”

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead; he closed his eyes. It was cowardly, but in that moment he prayed for his own death. If he died the pain would end, and they would let Sonia go; they would make sure she got back to Levi--her true father--safely.

He didn’t know how long they had been there. Days and nights had passed, but he had lost all sense of reality. He had stopped even telling himself not to transform--he couldn’t have now, it would take more energy than he had left. His injuries were bad enough, repeated enough, that he wasn’t even sure he was still healing. 

He thought much more of this would kill him, but Nobb seemed to think so too; whenever he thought Eren was getting too close to death he would back off; even bandaging Eren’s wounds, making sure he was fed and given water in a perversion of care.

Sonia didn’t say anything; she stroked his face and Eren saw Levi’s eyes looking back at him. _Let it be goodbye,_ he thought, without emotion.

He couldn’t force himself to smile but he repeated what he’d said before. “You’re safe. He’ll come for you.”

Many--perhaps all--of the men and women who served Nobb had lost loved ones to the Titans. While he was being tortured they would talk to him. Tell him about their brothers and sisters, parents, husbands and wives, children. Their names. How they had died.

Nobb never told him what his son’s name had been, but Eren knew lots of other things about him. What color his eyes had been. How he had loved to go fishing with his father and his brothers. How he had been Nobb’s last living child.

“I didn’t kill your son,” Eren had said once. They had stopped gagging him. 

“You’re a Titan,” Nobb said. “The same evil dwells in you.”

After a while he had stopped speaking, even stopped screaming. He listened to the names, the stories they told him. It gave him something else besides his pain to focus on. He mourned for them. He could understand their anger. It was impersonal. None of these people knew him, knew who he was, knew him as he was coming to know their lost loved ones. No one knew he was a father, a lover, a brother, a son, a friend. They didn’t care.

He was a Titan. They wanted to kill him for what the Titans had done, and he understood. Hadn’t he wanted to kill all the Titans too? In another life he would have been one of them. Nobb he had no sympathy for; he had met men like him before. Most of the others were lost; Nobb was a dark shepherd. He could understand. When he’d been young and angry and vulnerable he’d fallen into the company of good men and women who had guided him. Not everyone was so lucky.

Nobb made his people come and recite to him the litany of his sins. Not everyone was comfortable watching his torture; many people looked away, winced, cried--begged Nobb to let them leave. He never relented. It was part of the ritual. 

Eren only wished they would kill him and that it would end.

“Come away now, girl,” Nobb said.

Eren looked into the deep gray eyes and nodded encouragingly as Sonia was taken. _I’m sorry for failing you,_ he told her in his head, _I’m glad he’s your real father. He’s a much better one than I could ever be._

When she had gone Nobb smiled at him. 

“I thought she would revive you,” he said, picking something up from the table. “Ready to start now?”


	7. Chapter 7

_Confrontation * Green * You, again * Another carriage ride * Missing * Sleep, and nightmares * A new wrinkle_

They brought Sonia out to retrieve him whenever he was too far gone; it hadn’t failed yet. He knew he had to reassure her, as much as he was able to. It was his last task, and he was determined not to fail.

They never let him speak to her for long, and he didn’t have the energy to come up with anything new to say--but he repeated the same things to her with as much composure as he could muster. He never knew if was enough. After a minute they’d take her away, and her deep grey eyes gave away nothing.

He was amazed by that. Whatever lessons Levi had been teaching her had sunk in. When he saw her she was always so calm and serious she might as well have been a different child.

He was awake now. They were on the floor in the open room. At night they dragged him off to one of the storerooms and left him there. The sunlight streamed in from the skylight far above, so it was morning again. Sonia was a few feet away from him, tight in the grip of her captor and Eren watched them with a blank weariness.

Around him he heard other voices--for others in this place life went on. Even torture became banal after a while. Nobb’s soldiers would play cards or gamble to pass the time, gossip, insult one another, tell stories. It was sickeningly familiar; he didn’t doubt that many of the young men that served Nobb had formerly been soldiers. 

Other people came and went. Some he grew to recognize, others--usually the parents of dead children, the ones ill-at-ease with watching Eren’s torture--he only saw once as they told him their stories and left as quick as they could. He tried to estimate how many people worked for Nobb; a few dozen, at least. 

He paid a little closer attention than usual to Sonia today; Nobb wasn’t present, and the young man holding her wasn’t one he recognized. He seemed nervous and Eren could see the sheen of sweat on his skin. He didn’t like the way he was holding the gun on Sonia--too tightly.

Sonia jerked in the boy’s grasp; “Let me see him!” she cried, and Eren felt his stomach drop as the boy jumped.

“Please,” he begged, “be careful with that gun. She’s just a child. Sonia, do as he says.”

Sonia glared. “The bad man says I can see you. I’m allowed!”

“It’s all right, Sonia,” he said gently, “just listen, please.” He’d never wished for Nobb to turn up before, but now he cursed his tardiness. Nobb might be a monster, but he wasn’t a fool; he knew Eren’s obedience was only guaranteed by Sonia’s safety.

“Shut up, both of you,” the boy said harshly. “We’re staying here until Nobb comes back, so just don’t move!” He shook Sonia roughly for emphasis and she thrashed violently in his arms; Eren’s heart lurched. She turned her head and bit him savagely, and he screamed, dropping the gun. Sonia kicked it away, and it skittered across the floor and disappeared under a piece of machinery.

The other soldiers nearby had noticed; they stopped what they were doing to laugh and clap and whistle, and the boy blushed furiously, holding his injured hand. 

“You little bitch!” he yelled at Sonia, but she’d already run to Eren’s side and was holding onto him, glaring like a wildcat.

“Can you change now?” Sonia whispered in Eren’s ear.

“My sweet girl,” he murmured back--the others were still laughing, mocking and catcalling Sonia’s unfortunate victim, and there was no one to overhear them--“I wish I could. I’m not strong enough.”

“They hurt you too bad?” she said sympathetically, looking down at the bandaged stumps of his arms and legs. 

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She laid her little head on his shoulder. “Levi will come and get us. He’ll take care of them all, specially the bad man.”

“You’re very brave,” he told her. Everyone was watching the boy now--he’d had to bandage his bleeding hand, and he was trying to use a stick to retrieve the missing gun. It was the most entertaining thing that had happened in days, and everyone had gathered in to watch and offer jeers and mocking advice as the boy blushed and cursed. Eren wondered what Nobb would make of it when he finally turned up. 

The boy lost the stick and swore, and his friends cried out in unison, as though they were watching a match and their team had just failed to score a goal.

“Will you shut up!” he yelled wrathfully, as thousands of pieces of broken glass rained down from the ceiling.

Startled they looked up, blinking as they shielded their eyes from glass and debris; some of the smarter ones fumbled for their weapons.

Eren stared at the green cloaks streaming down towards them; in one glance he had taken in all of them, recognizing each silhouette.

Levi. Hanji. Mikasa. Jean. Armin. Connie. Sasha.

There were others he didn’t know, but his eyes were fixed on those seven.

“I told you,” Sonia said, sounding extremely self-satisfied, as he hurriedly leaned over to shield her from the falling glass.

Eren heard gunfire and yells, but in that moment he was unafraid. He had never thought to see them all together again like this, executing yet another daring rescue, following yet another perilous kidnapping. All that was missing was Historia tied up at his side, and as Levi landed in front of them he laughed.

Levi raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t speak. As though it had all been rehearsed Sonia dashed to his side and clambered onto his back, throwing her arms around him. He reached for Eren, pulling him in with one arm while the other pointed up to fire the grapple. Eren felt the strength of him. His own body had failed him, but Levi was still here, whole and strong. Stong enough to hold them all without straining. Emotion poured back in, like water filling a cracked and empty vessel, and he leaned his head into the crook of Levi’s shoulder, where Sonia patted him reassuringly. He laughed painfully.

Seconds later they were on the roof. Eren looked down as they flew up, watching the scene below grow smaller. The green cloaks swept through inexorably, like high tide coming in to wash the shore clean. They landed safely and Levi untwined Sonia and deposited her with Erwin, who was crouched by the edge of the skylight waiting for them.

“Hello, Eren,” Erwin said. “It’s good to see you again.” As though they were at a dinner party.

“Commander,” Eren replied blearily through his tears, and though it had been years since they’d last seen each other he fell into the embrace of his old friend and mentor. Erwin was grayer than he remembered, and his face more lined, but he was otherwise unchanged. Eren had that feeling again that he’d traveled back in time, or come full circle.

Erwin held him tightly in his good arm, and Eren had to fight back a sob. What had he ever done to deserve this, the unwavering affection of all these people? They'd come together again, pulled out of their lives to rescue Eren and his daughter. Eren could smell the starched cotton of Erwin's shirt, and his hair tonic and he smiled--it brought him right back to being in the barracks at fifteen. Sonia clung to Erwin’s other side, wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a smacking kiss on the temple. 

“Go on,” Erwin said, nodding to Levi.

Levi spared a glance for his two charges. 

“Yes, daddy!” Sonia piped up. “Make sure you kill the bad man!”

“He's daddy,” Levi replied absently, drawing one of his blades. “I'm Levi.” 

“I know that,” Sonia said.

“Levi,” Eren said, before he could go, and Levi turned to look at him. “Spare the ones who surrender.”

So much in the glance that passed between them; so much understanding on both sides, and Levi nodded, “Of course.” 

He leaped forward into the gap of broken glass, and Eren let out a long, shuddering sigh as he watched him go, leaning in to Erwin and Sonia.

 

 

 

 

They were in a carriage again, but this was different. Eren leaned back while Sonia held on to him, chattering away in his ear. Others had come and gone, but for now it was just the two of them.

There was a knock at the door and Eren blinked into awareness--”Yes?” he called.

Sasha opened it, smiling cautiously at them. “I brought you this,” she said, holding a paper-wrapped parcel. “It probably got a little smashed, but I hope it’ll be all right.”

“Are they finished?”

“Nearly. Armin wants the place thoroughly searched. It’ll be a little longer, still, I’m sorry…”

“That’s all right,” Eren said, watching as Sonia unwrapped the package. It was a tart--slightly smashed, as Sasha had warned, but mostly intact.

“Thank you, Sasha,” he said, touched by her thoughtfulness. He still didn’t know the details of their rescue, but he was certain that it must have all happened in a tearing hurry--wherever they had last been, Sasha had had the wherewithal to think of their comfort, after their rescue (and the optimism), carrying the pastry with her for who knew how long. They’d been given water but no one had thought of food yet. He smiled, shaking his head, and repeated, “Thank you.”

“Oh, it’s all right,” Sasha said, embarrassed. “I know Sonia likes sweets, that’s all.”

Sonia had a cat-like smile on her face as she broke the tart apart with her grubby little hands, and watching her Eren laughed, knowing exactly what she was thinking. Levi would have made her wash her hands, would have made her use utensils, but he wasn’t here. 

She gave him the first piece, putting it into his mouth, and Eren tasted fruit and custard and flaky, buttery pastry. The juices from the fruit had run off while it cooked, baking into a sticky, chewy caramel against the crust. Someone called Sasha’s name and she nodded to them and closed the door.

They sat in the darkened carriage and ate the whole thing in near-silence. Sonia gave Eren water when he asked for it, and he marveled at it all. 

That he was alive. That they were free. That they were here. That they were safe.

“Eren.”

“Mm,” he said.

“That was the best thing I ever ate,” Sonia said, slow and exultant.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Me too.”

She turned on the seat next to him, pulling her feet up, and when Levi came back sometime later he found her curled up on the seat beside Eren.

He watched her for a moment or two.

“Is she hurting you?”

“She’s fine.”

“We’re going to leave now, if you’re ready.”

“What happened to everyone?”

“We killed about a dozen or so--the ones who fought--the rest we captured.”

“I want to see them.”

Levi looked at him thoughtfully. “All right,” he said. “Do you want to stay in the carriage? We can have you paraded by, it will be very stately.”

Eren laughed in surprise. “Yes. That would be fine.”

Levi disappeared, returning a few minutes later. He opened the carriage window by Eren, and sat on his other side, moving Sonia to slide in between them.

As the carriage began to move, Eren said, “Levi.”

“Shh. Later.”

He was quiet as they moved slowly down the line--Levi had had the bodies of the dead lined up, as well as their prisoners. There was enough time for him to look at every face. Only when they had finished did his heart begin to speed up.

“Make another pass.”

At the end of it, Eren said, “Where is he?”

“Who?” Levi asked. 

“Nobb!”

Levi looked at him blankly.

“Who did they say was in charge?” Eren asked desperately. “When you interviewed them?”

“A man named Saul. He’s dead--”

“No. No. He isn’t here.”

“We’ve been watching the building since dawn,” Levi said. “No one else came in or out.”

“I saw him this morning! There must be another way out.”

They stopped the carriage; they conferred with Armin and Erwin and Eren told them frantically that they’d missed someone.

Armin was frowning. “We searched the building--we didn’t find any other exits.”

“Search again,” Levi said coolly.

Erwin looked between the two men. “It can’t hurt to look again,” he said diplomatically.

“All right,” Armin said. He walked away, a little stiffly.

“I’m going to join the search,” Levi said. “Are you all right, Eren?”

“Yeah,” Eren said wanly, leaning back. 

Erwin pushed the doors to the carriage wide open, letting fresh air in, and he leaned against the jamb.

“He’s angry at Armin,” Eren said.

“Well,” Erwin said slowly. “It is Armin’s job to know about these groups, and keep track of them. Somehow he missed this one completely.”

“It’s Nobb,” Eren said, closing his eyes. “He’s not a regular man. He knew all about Armin...he called him ‘the Queen’s lapdog.’ He planned that attack, the night at the restaurant. That man that tried to kill me was nobody--Nobb hired him, more or less, to put Armin on the wrong track.”

“Hard to go up against an opponent when you don’t even know they exist.”

“It isn’t Armin’s fault,” Eren said again.

But hours later--when the building had been searched again, the captured soldiers questioned again--Armin came to talk to Eren.

“Eren,” he said gently, climbing into the carriage to sit across from his friend, “We can’t find any proof that this man exists.”

Armin looked weary--as though he hadn’t slept the whole time Eren had been gone. His eyes were shadowed, and his face lined. Eren was alone in the carriage--Mikasa had come and collected Sonia when she’d woken up, to get her cleaned up and changed and fed before they set out again. 

Eren stared at him blankly--he was exhausted and weary down to his soul. He wanted nothing more than to get away from this place and sleep for a year.

“I don’t understand.”

“Are you sure he’s real?” Armin asked, very carefully.

“What are you saying Armin?" Eren said, straightening up. He felt wide awake now. "You think I _imagined_ him?”

“You’ve been under a terrible strain,” Armin said. “It would be easy to get confused, with what you’ve been through--even to mix up several of them in your head, and think they were the same person--”

“Armin, _no,”_ Eren said, beginning to lose his temper. “I know who he is! Ask Sonia, she knows him too.”

“She didn’t know the name Nobb,” Armin said quietly.

“Well, she’s three years old! She called him the bad man! Did you ask her if he was _here?”_

“Levi didn’t want her to look at the bodies,” Armin said uncomfortably.

There was nothing Eren could say to that--that was right, of course. What had he been thinking?

“I--he’s real, Armin. Believe me--”

“I’ll post guards here,” Armin said, “to see if he comes back. We’ll conduct interviews with everyone we can find that might have a connection. But Eren, when we questioned all the soldiers they were puzzled when we asked about him--and they all seemed sincere. It would be hard to coordinate such a big lie.”

“Fine,” Eren gritted out. He leaned back against the seat. “I want to leave.”

“Of course,” Armin said softly. “I’m sorry, Eren.”

“Armin--it isn’t your fault." Eren said, deflated. He rubbed his head. "Not any of it. But he _is_ real. Believe me.”

Armin nodded and got out of the carriage. Levi passed him on his way back, giving him the slightest nod. He climbed in beside Eren and pulled the door shut.

“Sonia?”

“She’s going to ride back with Mikasa,” Levi said. He leaned back next to Eren, and Eren sank into him, burying his face against Levi’s neck. They were silent for a long time; their caravan got moving, and Levi said, “When we stop for dinner we can spend the night there--or go straight back to Shinganshina.”

“Shinganshina,” Eren said, without moving.

Levi made a noise of acknowledgment, stroking Eren’s hair.

“I talked to Mikasa. She says there’s plenty of room for us at her place. I thought it would be better…”

“Yes. That’s fine. Levi, how did you find us?”

He felt Levi smile against him. “Sonia didn’t tell you?”

He rewound the events of the day in his mind, but they were a hopeless jumble and he gave up.

“She probably did,” he admitted, “and I just don’t remember. Tell me again.”

“It was her great victory,” Levi said. “Apparently, when you were brought up here, you stopped and they let her out of the coach--”

“Yes. I remember, vividly.”

Levi laughed, involuntarily, and the sound made Eren smile. He kissed the skin under Levi’s ear.

“Well, she had a bag of marbles in her pocket. She dropped one near the side of the road, along with her hair ribbon. Apparently after that she maneuvered things so that she could sit near an open window, and she kept dropping them out of the window until she only had one left. She said she didn’t know how often to drop them, so she ran out some time before you got here.”

“And the last one?”

“Here--she tried to roll it somewhere it wouldn’t be seen right away. But we were looking for them.” There was something dark about the way Levi said it, and Eren swallowed. It was so easy to imagine Levi’s rage, his impotence, how frustrated he must have been until they’d found that first clue and he’d recognized it. They had been captive for the better part of a week, though to him--and to Levi, he was sure--it felt like half a lifetime.

“I knew she was up to something,” Eren said, clearing his throat. Sometime later he’d ask about the rest--he was sure there was more to the story. But not just now. “She’s much cleverer than I am.”

“Yes. Well, she’s frequently underestimated; that works to her advantage.”

“She kept quiet about it all this time,” Eren marvelled. “And she never slipped up once and let on that I was her father.”

“Well, that was me--I trained her only to do that to you in private.”

“To embarrass me?” Eren asked drily.

“Petty revenge, in retrospect,” Levi agreed, and for the first time that day he kissed Eren. It was a week’s worth of kisses rolled into one, a lifetime. All their pain and sorrow and triumph, all the knowledge that they were still alive, still _here_.

Eren sighed when they parted, laying his head back down. 

“Do you believe me? About Nobb. Armin doesn’t think he’s real.”

“I believe you.” So quietly faithful it made Eren’s heart swell; he would have done anything for Levi, _anything._

 

 

 

 

He woke up and saw that it was dark; “Where are we?” he asked, groggy.

“Shinganshina.”

“I thought you said we were stopping somewhere for dinner?” Eren said, yawning. He felt grimy and sweaty and exhausted, still, in spite of all the hours he'd slept.

“We did--you slept right through. I tried, a little, to wake you but you didn’t stir, so we let you rest. You have legs again,” Levi remarked, nudging Eren’s bare feet with his shod ones.

Eren smiled, kicking loose the bandages. “I prioritized them.”

“You can do that now, huh?”

“Sure,” Eren said casually, as Levi helped him down from the carriage. “It’s easy.”

They stood in front of Mikasa’s house. Mikasa was holding Sonia in her arms while Jean unlocked the door for them. They must have split up from the others when they’d entered the city, Eren thought, looking around. The caravan was much diminished. Though he saw they still had an escort--Hanji waved to him from the next carriage and he grinned helplessly, in spite of all his tiredness and pain, and waved back.

“It doesn’t feel real,” Eren told Levi quietly as they climbed up the steps.

“Well it is. You’re here with us. You’re not back there,” Levi said in his old no-nonsense captain voice, making Eren smile.

“She’s been asleep since dinner,” Mikasa whispered, coming up behind them. She ruffled Eren’s hair as they passed through the doorway.

He’d talked to her briefly that morning, but she’d been busy the rest of the day, and more than anything he’d wanted to be alone after his friends had all come to see him. It wasn’t them--it was just that everything was overwhelming.

Levi had understood, and so he’d quietly shooed them all off without asking Eren about it, or telling him. He’d known anyway.

Mikasa put Sonia down in the nursery, and then she led them to another room down the hall. It was a pleasant, airy guest room--there was a fine gray silk coverlet on the bed, ink brush paintings that Mikasa had done herself hanging on the walls, pale gray and gold striped curtains over the windows.

“The bathroom is just next door,” she said. “Do you have everything you need? Then I’ll see you in the morning.” She embraced them both before she left, lingering longer with Eren. 

“Thanks, Mikasa. For everything.”

She squeezed him painfully tight. Her voice was a little choked when she said--“If you need anything, just yell--I’m right down the hall.”

When they were alone they looked at each other. They didn’t speak--they didn’t need to. It was as though they had been intimate for years instead of weeks, and they embraced, saying everything they needed to with their bodies.

Levi pulled away first, but only far enough to help Eren wash and change into clean clothes. They lay down together. Levi was heavy beside Eren; he could feel the tiredness radiating from him. Though he knew Levi was a poor sleeper he felt him drift off right away. He stayed awake, letting himself study Levi's sleeping face, listen to his breathing. He was still unable to believe that it was over--that he was here.

Not twenty minutes passed before Eren heard screams down the hall; Levi sighed, stirring, as Eren jumped up.

“It’s all right,” Levi said tiredly as he rolled to his feet. “You stay.”

“But--”

“It’s Sonia. Night terrors.”

“Are you sure?” Eren asked anxiously.

“Yes,” Levi said wearily, but Eren followed him down the hall anyway. Levi retrieved Sonia from the nursery, where the baby was mercifully still asleep. 

Mikasa popped her head out of her room, looking exhausted, and Levi waved her away.

“We’ll sleep in one of the other rooms,” Levi said to him in a low voice.

“But--” Eren protested; Levi took Eren’s face firmly in free hand.

“She thrashes. I don’t want her throwing you out of bed, okay? Not tonight.”

Eren made a face, but he nodded.

“When I get her settled--”

“No, Levi--” Eren said gently--Sonia was sobbing in his arms, less than half-awake. “She’s a baby. I’m not. She can have you tonight.”

Levi gave him a lopsided smile. “All right,” he said agreeably.

Eren didn’t think he’d fall back asleep easily, after sleeping most of the day already--but he did. He had his own unpleasant dreams and nightmares, but they barely woke him. He was too worn down, body and spirit. 

He spent the next few days in a groggy stupor, as his body healed and his mind tried to make sense of all that had happened. 

After the second day he was healed on the outside. But he was still in pain--feeling odd phantom pangs in missing limbs that were no longer missing, aches in all his joints, and a bone-deep tiredness he couldn’t shake. He slept and ate, endured well-meaning visits from his friends, listened to Sonia scream from down the hall, and got to have Levi for a handful of minutes at a time. 

Sonia had saved all her pent up terror and rage for this; she screamed and threw tantrums day and night. Little things that wouldn't have bothered her before made her melt down--a missing toy, the crusts not cut off her bread, the sound of a barking dog in the neighbor's yard. Several times she wet herself, though she had been potty-trained for a year. Only Levi could soothe her once she got started; anyone else who tried was rebuffed. She’d scream for him if he didn’t come--Eren heard the heartbreaking cries of, “Levi! Levi!” echoing through the house, and had gone himself once or twice, but she’d turned away, even from him.

“No, no, no,” she sobbed, curled up and crying on the carpet, “I want him! I want him!”

It broke his heart that he couldn’t help, but he understood. Levi had saved them; he had failed her. He understood.

Levi was extraordinarily patient with her. Ordinarily, he ignored her tantrums, but now he went to comfort her no matter what he was else he was doing; he stayed by her side all hours if that was what it took to get her calm. It would have been absurd to be jealous of a toddler--especially when Eren had resources far beyond those of a three year old. But he did find himself faintly wishing that Sonia would _share_... He was too guilty to complain--the burden of everything fell to Levi, as he spent his days and nights shuttling from nursery to sickroom.

They tried sleeping in the same bed once when Eren insisted, but Levi was right; Sonia did thrash, and Eren was slow to recover. He grunted in pain when she flailed out and hit his gut.

“I’m sorry,” Levi said, kissing him gently and sweeping Sonia up into his arms. They went to sleep in the other room.

Levi said to him one morning at breakfast, “I want to go back to Mitras. She’s not settling down here. I think a change of scene will be good for her, her own bedroom, her usual routine, the people she knows. Do you feel well enough to travel?”

They were in their room; Eren had been taking his meals there, so he wouldn’t have to go over the stairs.

He’d felt a little uneasy at the beginning of Levi’s speech--they still hadn’t talked about the future, there had been no _time_ for one thing--but he was hugely, warmly reassured at Levi’s casual belief that Eren would come with them. 

“Yes,” he said quietly, looking down at his plate--as if it weren’t a big deal--but he thought Levi looked a little relieved and it made him smile. He buttered his toast, feeling suddenly almost lighthearted.

“The day after tomorrow? It’s enough time for me to make arrangements.”

“Yes--that’s fine.”

“All right,” Levi said. “I’ll tell Mikasa, and the others.” He got up; too casually he said, “Armin’s coming over today. Do you want to talk to him alone?”

“Does it matter?” Eren asked, looking up in surprise.

Levi shrugged, unreadable. “You tell me.”

They hadn’t talked about Armin; they hadn’t talked about much of _anything,_ the days had passed in a blur. “You don’t blame him, do you?” Eren asked.

Levi shrugged. “Does it matter?” he said, repeating Eren’s words.

“It isn’t his fault.”

“He’s responsible for intelligence on the cults and separatist groups. It isn’t his fault. But I blame him. I blame myself.”

“Levi--” Eren said, softly, but they were interrupted when the maid knocked to announce Armin’s arrival. 

Levi grimaced. “He’s early.”

Armin came in to their room a moment later, looking frantic. He shut the door.

“What happened?” Levi asked at once, looking him over.

“Historia’s carriage was overturned,” Armin said, looking pale and ill. “She’s missing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we friends again?! XP
> 
> Feedback is loved!


	8. Chapter 8

_Discussion * Negotiation * A gift * Remorse * Historia * This is not the end_

 

 

Before Armin had even finished speaking Levi was already shaking his head.

“No,” he said. “We had already decided to leave for the capital in two days. I’m not upsetting Sonia by leaving her here without me, and we need time to prepare for the journey. You don’t need me to look for Historia.”

Armin stared at him. “She’s the _Queen,_ Levi.”

“Sonia’s my daughter,” Levi said, standing up. “I’ll join you as soon as I can, but I’m not running off half-cocked into God knows what.”

“What are you saying?”

Eren tried to speak up then, to intervene, but they carried on over him.

“I’m saying you should have seen this coming. All of it. I find the fact that you didn’t worrying. If we’re walking into another trap, I want to be prepared.”

Armin stared at him, thin-lipped and furious, and he turned to leave. Eren glared at Levi, who sighed.

“Armin.”

He paused in the doorway, his back stiff. 

“I’ll meet you at the bridge tomorrow, all right? That’s the best I can do.”

Armin nodded woodenly and left.

“Well,” Levi said when he had gone. “I guess we’d better pack.”

Eren got up to close the door before speaking, then turned to face him.

“Levi!”

“Don’t. You know I can’t leave her. Eren…”

Eren frowned, but he crossed the room.

“I didn’t want her to have to go through what we went through,” Levi said quietly. “I thought I could protect her.”

“Levi--you did, you rescued us both--”

“No,” Levi said, shaking his head. “It should never have happened. But I can’t do anything about that. All I can do is be there for her now. I can’t bring her into whatever new chaos this is, and I can’t leave her when she’s like this. If I disappear on her again--”

Eren sighed. “I know. I wish I could help.”

Levi squeezed his arm. “You aren’t doing anything wrong, but she’s only known you for two weeks. I’ve been there her entire life. I’ve got to go see about everything. Get some rest, all right? If we’re leaving tomorrow, you’ll need it.”

“Aren’t you worried about Historia?” Eren asked.

At that Levi smiled faintly. “I’d be more worried about whoever thought it was a good idea to attack her,” he said. “Armin’s...not the most objective when it comes to our queen. If anyone comes out of this unscathed it will be Historia.”

Eren didn’t look entirely reassured. There was a cry, then, from down the hall. Levi gave him a resigned look, and just for a moment Eren took his face in his hand, gently tracing his cheekbone and the space underneath his shadowed eyes.

 

 

 

 

That evening he was surprised when Levi turned up in his room after Sonia’s bedtime.

He had already packed his few belongings and was doing some stretches--trying to ease the lingering soreness in his body--before he went to bed.

He looked at Levi curiously, and Levi acknowledged the unasked question with a nod.

“After careful negotiation Sonia has agreed that I can stay with you for _one_ night.”

He began undressing, untying his cravat and easing out of his jacket. Eren was still sitting on the floor, his legs stretched out, and he smiled up at him.

“That was generous of her.”

“Well. I still had to stay until she fell asleep.”

Levi went into the bathroom to wash, and Eren stayed put on the floor. His heart was beating faster now--he didn’t know what to do with himself.

When Levi came back, dabbing at his face with a towel and changed into pajamas he said, “Lights on or off?”

“Uh. Off,” Eren said, getting up and coming to climb awkwardly into the bed.

Levi put out the lanterns that had lit the room, and they were plunged into darkness. Eren felt him get into the bed, felt the mattress shift under his weight, the blankets tugged straight around them.

Levi put his arms around him--gently.

It gave him a thrill of pleasure to feel that again, and he tried not to think of how it had been when he’d been Nobb’s captive--

“What are we doing?” Eren asked after a while.

“Hmm? Sleeping?”

Eren moved his arm from Levi’s back to his shoulder. He traced Levi’s throat and collarbone with two fingers.

“Oh,” he said, sounding disappointed.

Levi snorted. Then he rolled easily, holding on to Eren so that he wound up on top of him.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, letting his hands rest on Eren’s waist. It was decidedly non-erotic, but so _comforting._ Something about it--so casually possessive--warmed Eren up inside. The tension he’d been carrying with him since coming back eased, like a knot unwinding itself from around his throat, a noose dropping harmlessly to the floor.

“Okay. Better.”

Levi grunted. “And what do you want to do?”

Eren shrugged, looking down.

“Don’t start that. Or I am going to sleep.”

“I really don’t,” Eren confessed. He sounded ashamed--Levi slipped his hands under his shirt, so that they warmed the skin there as he traced the muscles in his back.

“Well,” Levi said slowly, like a man who had stumbled off a path in the dark, and was trying to fumble his way back onto it, “what if we just go slowly, then?”

“But I don’t know if I can--”

“That doesn’t matter,” Levi said gently, and Eren fisted his hands in the cloth of Levi’s shirt, wrinkling it hopelessly.

They hadn’t talked much about what had happened--Eren hadn’t wanted to, but now he found the words were coming in a torrent.

“He _hurt_ me,” Eren said. “I thought I’d seen--but it wasn’t like anything else, it was so casually cruel, like he was just doing some _job._ It wasn’t personal. He didn’t care about me, about who I was, he didn’t see me as a person at all, just the object for his hate. I might have been a target he was loosing arrows at.

“And he hurt me so much, and I can still feel it, and I don’t know if I _can_ feel good again.”

“What do you feel right now?” Eren had closed his eyes, but there was no judgment in Levi’s tone, just the mildest curiosity.

“Well, you, of course,” he mumbled.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No!” Eren said, pressing into him. “I _like_ when you touch me, I just--”

“What are you worried about? That you won’t be able to get off? That you won’t be able to get me off? That you’ll flip out and throw me off you and go and lock yourself in the closet?”

Eren laughed reluctantly. “Yes. All of that.”

“Well, I don’t need to get off,” Levi said mildly, unclenching Eren’s hands from his shirt. “I don’t need to do anything. If you’d rather sleep alone--”

“No.”

“Whatever you want to do is fine, I’m trying to say,” Levi said, finally succeeding in untangling Eren. He made him sit up--still straddling Levi’s waist--and look at him, holding his face in his hand.

“There _are_ things I won’t do,” he continued thoughtfully, as though they were having some purely academic discussion, “But somehow I doubt they’d be things you’d be interested in anyway. Everything else...Eren you know, don’t you, that before you I hadn’t had a lover in years?”

“I guessed…”

“Sex isn’t something I’ve ever _needed_. Not like friendship...or loyalty...or love.”

Eren swallowed. He knew this was a gift, but his hands were shaking too hard to take it. He’d need time to think about this. Later though. Later.

“I guess...we can go slow,” he said softly, not unafraid but less so, and he found Levi’s hands in the dark so they could fumble on together.

 

 

 

 

There was a knock at the door. Eren stirred awake though it was hard--he was sleepy and satisfied. Pleasure had not been so hard to find again after all. 

Beside him Levi groaned and rolled out of the bed. He pulled his clothes on and went to unlock the door--where someone was gently but persistently knocking.

“Let her stay,” Eren said quietly.

He overheard parts of their whispered conversation--Levi reminding her of their bargain, Sonia’s stubborn persistence. 

“Eren’s still hurt,” Levi told her, grudgingly leading her over to the bed. “Stay on my side, no kicking and thrashing, and _be quiet.”_

“I will,” she said in an overly loud whisper.

Eren had his back to them and he smiled as he listened to the rustling and fierce whispers as Levi got Sonia settled.

“Is he staying?” Sonia asked suddenly. She had been quiet for the last five minutes; Eren had thought she’d fallen asleep.

“I think so. Don’t ask him about it.”

“I won’t. I want him to stay. I like him.”

“Yes. So do I.”

“He protected me from those bad men,” Sonia said dreamily, and Eren’s breath caught in his throat.

“That’s right. He did. He kept you safe.”

“Yes. And he wouldn’t have let anything bad happen to me, right?” She didn’t say the words fearfully; she said them with absolute trust--smugly, even. Though it was his first time hearing it Eren realized this was a conversation they had had many times in the last few days; all the lines were rehearsed. Sonia was reading from a comforting, well-worn script.

“No. Not a hair on your messy little head,” Levi agreed, and he must have tickled her because Eren heard her giggling. Tears pricked his eyes, and he groped frantically for Levi’s hand in the darkness; Levi caught it and held on. 

“Now go to sleep, my child. We have a long day ahead of us.”

 

 

 

EPILOGUE

 

Armin crunched through the fallen leaves and dry grass. They were doing a methodical sweep of the area where Historia’s carriage had been found. 

When she had failed to arrive at the appointed time soldiers had been sent out to look for her party. They’d found the carriage empty and abandoned by the bridge, her escort party dead nearby, and one of her handmaidens stabbed dead. 

Of the other handmaiden and Historia there had been no sign.

Three days. Three days since anyone had seen her alive.

Armin closed his eyes, forcing composure as he’d had to do many times these last few days. Then he opened them and kept walking, climbing onward up the hill, his cloak trailing behind him in the light breeze. He was a mile out to the west from the massacre at the bridge. They had searched the area, and found nothing. All they could do was spin the search further out, and hope whoever had abducted Historia had made a mistake, and left them a clue. 

At the top of the hill he looked down upon the forest--he couldn’t see the stream from here, but he thought he could hear the distant trickle of it. With a sigh he turned and walked on--then quickened his pace. There was a rude cabin in the distance, with smoke coming from the chimney. Perhaps they had seen something.

“Hello?” he called when he had reached it. He rapped hard on the door and waited--then tried it when no one answered. It was unlocked and he looked in. No one home--but they had obviously been here recently, the fire had only just gone out, and he could still smell the scent of a cooked meal lingering in the air. He gave one last cursory look around then sighed and went outside. Hopefully they’d be back soon. He didn’t see what he could do except wait; if they had seen Historia, or one of her attackers--

“Don’t move.”

He stiffened as a gun was pressed between his shoulderblades, and he heard a well-known voice ask him,

“Who else is with you?”

“Historia,” he said, his shock causing him to speak her given name.

“Answer me, Armin!” she snapped, pressing the gun sharply into him. He swallowed, but before he could speak Levi called from somewhere above and to his left, 

“Only me, your grace. Everyone else is searching other parts of the forest.”

“Are you with him?” Historia demanded.

Armin couldn’t move--couldn’t see--but he guessed Levi must have shrugged. “I suppose I am,” he said, “though I’m a bit annoyed with him myself, I didn’t know that he’d done anything to warrant having a gun pointed at him.”

“Well,” Historia said, lowering the gun suddenly. Armin sagged in relief. “Maybe he hasn’t. But I’m finding it hard to trust my friends these days.”

“How are you?” she asked, as Levi approached them. “Your mission went well, I take it? The last I heard you were going after them.”

“Yes. They’re fine. Heavily guarded at the last inn.”

Historia grinned at his inflection; she shouldered the gun and fell into step with him.

“They’re well? Eren and your daughter?”

“As well as could be expected.”

Armin found he was being left behind; he hurried to catch up, though he didn’t quite dare interrupt when Historia was speaking.

“Your grace, what happened here?” he asked, finally managing to get a word in.

“We were attacked, as you see,” she said. She grimaced. “Aliss tried to kill me.”

“Your handmaid?” Armin said in shock. 

“Yes. I turned the blade on her instead. Yvette stayed loyal to the end. She took my place. We were dressed alike...plainly, for traveling. She told me to give her my jewels; I did. I was able to escape in the fighting.” She sighed. 

“It wouldn’t have helped her if they’d taken both of you,” Levi remarked. 

“My people are dead,” Historia said darkly. “Good men and women I trusted. They died for me.”

“Honor their sacrifice by finding those responsible.”

“I intend to,” Historia replied grimly. Finally she turned to Armin. “You didn’t know about these plots.”

It was half question, half accusation.

“No,” he said, ashamed.

“We have the men who took Eren and Sonia in custody. They say their leader died in the fighting, but Eren says otherwise.”

“I haven’t been able to find any trace of the man Eren calls Nobb,” Armin said heavily. “Though in the circumstances it begins to seem more credible.”

They had reached the bridge. Historia’s carriage had been removed, along with the bodies, but there were soldiers stationed there to coordinate the search. When the trio walked in they were hailed; several people rushed in to greet them with cries of joy. Levi stepped aside to go and speak to the others.

Historia greeted everyone warmly but brusquely; she was already heading for one of the horses. Armin walked beside her.

“Did you really think I would betray you?” he asked sadly.

Historia easily swung herself into the saddle, then looked down at him inscrutably. “A woman I’ve known for five years--who I would have called a friend--just tried to kill me. Forgive me for being a little paranoid.”

“You trusted him though?” He didn’t even feel jealous; only sad.

Historia smiled then. “Armin. He’s the only man I’ve ever known who can’t be bought at any price.” She raised her hands when he began to protest. “This isn’t the time. I can’t believe the attacks in the south, and the attack on me are unconnected. You’re my most trusted advisor, yet we had no awareness of this threat. If I didn’t have a healthy suspicion that you could be involved--in spite of my trust in you--I’d be no kind of queen.”

“I’m sorry for failing you.”

“Don’t be melodramatic. I expect you to find the people responsible for this and bring them to justice,” Historia said magisterially.

“Yes, your grace. I will. I promise you.”

She nodded, turning her attention back to Levi. Though he felt it painfully Armin kept himself outwardly calm as he mounted his own horse.

“If you don’t mind backtracking, we can go back and collect Eren and Sonia and the others before heading on to Mitras.”

“Yes,” Historia said. “I’d like to see him again. And hear what he has to say about this man Nobb, and the others.”

She raised her voice to speak to the company, “We’re leaving. I have no time to waste.”

Levi spared an amused glance for Armin before following her-- _You see?_ he seemed to say, _I told you she’d be fine._


End file.
